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being mommy

hezzy
  • By hezzy
  • Posted June 18, 2008 at 4:54 pm · 15 replies
  • In Younger women
  • Shared with the public
1 Recommendation

I have had trouble relating with others.
I stay positive and Im the happiest person I know. However, I have fears that run deep. I go to bed and the " what if's " wonder around all night long.
I worry about the future for my husband and daughter constantly. I sometimes wonder if I will be blessed enough to stay around long enough so my daughter will remember me.
I dont know if there is a way to get over these fears, some thoughts on this would really help.

Explore topics in this discussion:

Cancer Lunesta Zoladex Breast cancer Lupron Pain Menopause Ambien Cerebral palsy

15 replies

Fitztwins

Hi, new to this site. Just recently dx with mets.
My twins were 4 when I started this journey and are now 7 1/2.

Going 'there' is what saddens me the most. Leaving them. The older they get the stronger the memories will be. So time is precious.

I am a planner. I have scrapbooks for every year of their lives, but now I am focusing on having more of me in there. I also started a journal for them. It is more like a collection of little letters to them on different subjects and different parts of their lives.

It will be something of me that they will have forever.

As the fear? well some one told me to FaceEmbrace and Recovery or Forget Everything and Run (ignore).

Two schools of thought..prepare or live in denial. Either way is okay. Whatever works best for you.

There is no easy answer. I have cried the most about this myself.

ekenny315

Hi Hezzy;
I replied to this post a couple of days ago but i guess it never went through.
I'm a mom of two boys Ryan 4 & Erik 3. I am very familiar with the feelings you are dealing with these days. All i can say is that it Will Get Better! You will have your ups & downs. I find that it is very important to communicate with others in similar situations. And even more important to stay connected with friends and family as well. You cancer IS NOT a death sentence. Cancer is treatable. Don't go online looking for stats and mortality rates because many sites are not accredited and/or up to date with new treatments. Everyday is another day closer to a cure. Stay positive for you, your daughter & husband. Do fun things, read inspirational stories from accredited websites like American Cancer Society, Y-Me, BreastCancer.Org, & No surrender (To name a few). And if i can make a suggestion, When i am having trouble sleeping, or just need to nod out almost immediately after a long day, I take an Ambien CR. You are sleeping within a half hour and i don't have any problems when my kids wake me up in the middle of the night etc... I get up like i would normally, deal with the situation at hand and go right back to sleep. So Ambien does not put you into a deep "coma like" sleep. Good luck honey.
Please write back or send a personal message or email, i would love to chat.
Your Sis (Sister In Strength)
Erika

Fitztwins

Maybe we should have a metsters with small kids group?

Lisabet

I feel your pain. I too am told that I always have a smile on my face, and they wish they could be as strong as me. But I go to bed at night with the "what ifs", and I am a single mother so I worry what will happen to my son if I was to die. But if you dwell on that stuff, that is all you will think about. I wake up everymorning for my little boy, and think of today, and what we will do tomorrow. I never think this could be my last day (I did that in the beginning and gained 20 pounds).

PMig317

I know exactly how you feel. I am now 55 years old, but was 36 when first diagnosed. I used to wander my house at night and sit in my 3 childrens' rooms and rage at God and cry. I had trouble getting pregnant went on fertility drugs to get pregnant with my first - had two miscarriages in between my first and 2nd child and then had a huge surprise when I got pregnant a 3rd time. I had a 6 year old daughter, a 2 year old daughter and a 14 month old toddler when I was diagnosed. I could not believe that God would put me through so much just to get pregnant and have children only to take me away from them. I was diagnosed at stage 1 at that time, but it took 10 years to come back. When it did come back my children were 9, 11 and 17. All those horrible feelings came back againand I never thought I'd be here today, but today it is almost 10 years later and my kids are 26. 21 and 20. it has not been a cake walk, but keep on keeping on. You will make it will be there for you child. Do what the doctors say and be agressive both in treatment and your own research about your disease. I was given a 20 percent chance to be alive in 5 years when it came back in 1999, but I am still here and fighting. Don't ever give up and find a doctor you trust with all you heart. If you would like to correspond by e-mail my email is PMig317@aol.com. I hope I have helped you. Love, Pattie

DesNZ

I am also a new member to this site. Dxd with stage 2 breast cancer in 2003. Had double mastectomy, reconstruction,chemo, etc. I was doing very well and had my son in between until early this year 2008, I was dxd with mets to lungs and bones. I worry a lot about what life would be like for my son who's only 15 months old. Im not scared of dying but Im very very sad about leaving my son if that is to happen soon. I wish and I hope that I will be like Pattie -what an inspiring story. In the meantime, I live in the now - we're taking lots and lots of photos, Im organising his albums and scrapbook. I have organised his tertiary educational plan, Im writing him a story about our life and my husband and I talk a lot about my dreams for our son. I cry lots and lots but everytime I do, I regain more energy and strength to carry on. And last but not the least, Im thankful for this site and to all of you, I find reading all your posts inspiring. Thank you and Goodluck

Terri39

No guarantees with this disease. We all hope to be here for our children. But don't lose sleep on this. I'm all for sleep aid's. My preference at the moment is Lunesta. I'm sure your onc will be happy to write you a scip for this. Keep taking the pictures and writing your love notes. I wish to be better at this.

SherriP

I am new to this site but not new to breast cancer. I was diagnosed Stage IV right from the beginning in Feb/07. I was on tamoxifen for the last 16 months so it was easy to try and get back to normal. My son is now 5 1/2 and I just found out that tamoxifen stopped working. I have switched to femara and zoladex shots.

I have lots of fears about not being around for my son. Everybody says I am so strong but the thoughts are always there and I am always trying to push them away. I do think I have to start working on a journal for him. And we need more pictures.

It really sucks that we have to worry about all this stuff that is for sure.

Sherri

DragonflyDream

Hi folks, while I am not a mother from the gift of having children myself, I am a step mom and a grandmother thanks to the gift of children in my life from my dear husband. So yes, I too worry about not being around to see them grow and life life to the fullest. And yet my life is truly and open book thanks to the internet. I have two very full websites plus other spots where our kids can reach out and touch me at any moment. So while at the moment I am not close to "going there", I am here, today, living my life to the fullest.

Dragonfly's Delights
Messages of Hope For Metastatic Cancer
www.dragonflysdelights.org

Norie

Dear Hezzy: A wonderful loving mom
I am very new to the site (24hrs old) I am 57 years old and my 2 son's are grown adults. Worrying as a parent is one that never stops. For me is it will I see them marry?Truly settled and loving their life? and see granchildren? I am a daughter who looks at my mother 75 who looks at me with this stage of cancer and I see in her eyes as if I was 5 years old.
Being a parent never stops. The fears and thoughts you have as you are on your journey with Cancer about your morality and the lives of your children and husband are the most normal feeling to have. I would worry sick if you didn't have them! That part of you shows you are alive! Your thinking and feeling.
Life is moment to moment. What if you wake one morning cross the street and was hit by a car. No time to do the things you want to do, say the things you want to say, share the moments you want to share.
Yes, it sucks, big time but opportunity is afforded you, to grab on to the day to day, moment to moment.
Share the wonderful you with your children, the best we can do to help them grow and deal with adversity is to share you as their mom. Start an album about you, you growing up with stories and pictures, let them be apart of the process, a family project. Each of you can create your own family story book.
Favoite foods, stories, time of the day.
Start a journal for them of your hopes and dreams for them.
If there are grandparents get them involved.
These projects that we talk about when you think about it are things that you would want to do with your children to help them develop into the unique, beautiful little people that they are!
What we want to give them is a sense of self, compassion and understanding, self -reliance and strength.
Give them your love as you do, your courage, your fight, but it is so OK for them to see the down side.
It is part of human nature.
Yes, we want to shield them from the bad, and the ugly, but to color it or avoid it maybe is not very healthy and many times does not make us strong.
I get my strength from you and your honesty, I want and pray for you that you get to my age and beyond.
I don't know you, but I do you know you. This Cancer in a way makes us apart of each other. The details and stories are different, but the struggle and the hopes and dreams are the same.
So what I wish for myself and my family I wish for you and yours...
Stay strong, and focused day by day. I do hope this helped abit.
Love Norie
A wonderful loving mom

R

I started young and my daughter will be 21 next month. I write her letters and put them in a box for her. She may never need to read them but they are hers. They talk about life and how proud I am of her. My thoughts on various subjects etc. More like a journal.

It never gets easier. She was 18 when I was first diagnosed and even though I knew my job (the hard part anyway) was mostly done I knew she still needed Mom.

invincible_summer

I'm a mom of a 6 year old. She was just 18 months when I was first diagnosed and I found out about the mets to my lungs on her 4th birthday. I hate it that she has grown up with the word "cancer." And that her mommy worries about dying.

I think the only way I've been able to keep going with positivity is to do all I can to pack her full of love. She may not have natural memories of me, but she will remember the attention and affection and pride I have in her. I tell her that we live in one another's hearts and even if I die, I will still be there in the form of love in her heart.

I find that the more I live in the day, the better I feel emotionally. In the beginning of the metastatic journey I would start my days with "well, I'm not going to die of cancer today, so what am I going to do?" It has been one day at a time since then, and I'm inching up on completing my third year of living with metastatic disease.

I also write to my daughter periodically. And take a lot of pictures. And trust the people who love me to tell her about me if I die before she has too many memories of her own. But, you know, I think all parents should do that, not just the ones who have had their health threatened. I do get jealous, though, of my friends who don't think about these things!

All the best to you!
Natasha

Survivor4Christ

HI,
I was diagnosed with IBC at 27 and now I am 29 with met to the bones. I have a 8, 6, and soon to be 4yr with Cerebral Palsy. I too understand the fears that torment a mothers mind and heart for the future of her family. I found myself depressed and crying all the time. Of course, I was and still am taking lupron which put me into Menopause. So on top of my current condition my hormones is messed up. I tried antidepressants but found out I was allergic. Before and during this time of my life I have always had a relationship with the Lord, Jesus Christ. If it were not for my relationship with HIM I would have not been able to cope with all the things I have had to endure. I have learned (and I keep learning) to put everyday in his hands. I take one day at a time. I do my best to make wise choices for the day for I know it will affect my tomorrow and those I love. Being a christian did not guarantee me a life free from hardships, sickness, or disease. However, it has guarantee me a peace that surpasses all understanding. We will con't to worry and have thoughts of what ifs. But, to have a peace that your family will be kept and comforted. For them to feel my love and see my smiles...to have peaceful and loving memories...making each day count. This can be difficult with different things we go through with treatments but, The Lord has help me to face each challenge. I can write this today because I have suffered, cried, yelled, and cried some more....the result of all that was more emotional pain. Now, when I cry...I give it to the Lord...crying on his shoulder and asking Him about the what ifs....the result emotional healing. Its a choice that I'll never regret....its almost like there is no other choice but except that facts and find a way to live with it. I choose to live it with Christ at hand.

I pray this will help and encourage you to keep fighting, to believe and put your trust in HIM.

There is nothing else to lose.

Fellow survivor,
Rose

lauriem

I also want to support you in your journey. My kids were 5,8,11 when I was diagnosed with stage 2. I was diagnosed with stage 4 earlier this year when they were 12,16,19. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those years but...I want more. I want to see them fall in true love, to marry, to have children. More than what I want for myself though, I want to be there for them. I cry to the thought of them not having mom at their weddings, or to call for advice in the middle of the night. I do have to say that we have been closer than I think we would otherwise have been without cancer.
Like was already said by others...I hate that my kids have to grow up in a life with cancer. That mom is not always strong and capable. I get that it is reality...just don't have to like it. My kids are home schooled until high school, at which point they can go to a particular christian boarding school if they choose. Next year my last one at home will be leaving for her freshman year there. I am happy and sad at the same time. I am glad she will not be in the day to day 'living' of this disease, and will be moving on to a stage of her live she is really looking forward to , but I will miss her fiercely, as I miss the others - who are also off at school.
That said, ideas I have for when it 'gets close to the end': journals for each of them. Picture albums to be given to their eventual fiance's, wedding samplers stitched with everything but their names, cds recorded (packaged with the story books) for eventual grandchildren.
In the meantime, when I feel myself loosing patience, I think of the possiblity/probability of limited time and it gives me the strength to be the best mother I can be. Creating memories they can hold on to.

kleighk

What a wonderful idea to read books on cd's for future grandchildren. I have 4 that I absolutely adore and they live 15 hours away, so this is a good idea even for right now. My granddaughters were 3 and 1 when I was dx with bone mets (after being "cured" for 7 years) and have lived the cancer life with me. My daughter and I are very close and I have even lived with them for a couple years. My son is getting married next month, so his children won't be for a little while yet.

Ever since I was first dx with stageIIIB in 1994, there has been a fear, and I still live with it everyday. But I have learned to shelf it in the back part of my brain. I can't say that it gets any easier, but you learn to live in peace with your new "normal",

Good luck and God Bless You,
Karyn

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