Am I being selfish for wanting to have another baby?

When I was 28 I was dx with stage 1 bc. My treatment included Tamoxifen so I had to wait almost 6 years before my husband and I could try to have a baby. My doctors knew we had wanted children and at the time had no concern that my cancer would come back. I eventually got pregnant (with some fertility help) and have a wonderful one year old son. 9 months after he was born, I learned my cancer had mets to my lung lining.

My treatment this time was a hysterectomy. I knew doing this would eliminate the chance of me ever having another baby. We said to ourselves that we could always adopt. That turns out to be not so easy.

Many agencies are turning us down. You need to have a doctor say that you are "cancer free" and have a "normal life expectancy."

I understand why these agencies are turning us down. My future is not guaranteed. But in reality, whose is? I am frustrated that an agency or someone gets to decide that I am not a "qualified" parent because I have cancer. I know I am a great parent.

My husband and I really would like to add a sibling to our family. I know that I might not be around to see him/her graduate - but I might. You just never know. I know I have stage 4 cancer - but I feel totally fine and it is hard for me to believe that I am "sick."

Am I being selfish for wanting to have another baby? Is it fair to have another baby? I think about the future and if I am not in it, I think it is better for my son to have a brother or sister around. My husband realizes that he might have to raise them alone and he is ok with that.

So, I guess I am wondering if anyone has ever felt this way or been in this situation? Am I putting to much emphasis on having a baby and not enough on me? I am usaully a very positive person but this issue has been hard for me. I already have cancer, isn't that enough?

By Ahaha
Posted October 27, 2008 at 1:45 pm
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I expect you will get many different answers to your question -- some will say, "go for it," and others "want you to think about this carefully." I'd be in the later group.. . . do some reading about life expectancy for stage 4 breast cancer. . . I don't think you are being selfish (rather you are loving and generous and want to give), but it could be that you are in denial about just how serious and deadly this disease is. It's not really whether you would be around for the child to graduate, but more likely the question is would you be around to see him/her enter first grade. With good luck and excellent medical care, I hope and pray that you will be.

By lynnwv
Posted October 27, 2008 at 3:43 pm
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I think you are a brave, wonderful woman.

I have 2 daughters, one grown and one 8 years old. She was 5 when I got my Stage I diagnosis and 7 years old 10 months ago when I got my Stage IV Met reacurrance. She is a wonderful little girl who has had to sit out parties, or spend all day Sunday entertaining herself because Mom's chemo made her too tired or in pain to get off the couch. Recently she didn't see me for a week because I was away having another surgery. When I got back she spent the entire weekend sitting with me and hugging me, just so she could be close. She asked me 2 months ago "if" I was going to get better. I told her I didn't know (even though I do know I probably won't). I have written and put away letters to her for the day she starts high school, the day she graduates high school, the day she graduates college, the day she gets married, and the day she has her first child. Unlike my oldest daughter, the statitics are that I may not see those days (although my plan is to hand her the letters myself), so I want to let her know I thought of them.

In answer to your question. I think that life is not fair and you are right, no one knows what the next day may bring. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband who will take great care to raise your child or children to be wonderful adults. It's about your children watching your fight. Sometimes it gets really hard to be strong for them. I do know that if it wasn't for my little girl I don't think I would be fighting so hard!

God Bless you!

By beebie
Posted October 28, 2008 at 10:16 am
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I had my first episode of breast cancer when I was 29 years old. After 10 years of good health and no reoccurence, I started to think about having children. I talked to several doctors about the risks to me and my potenial children. Most were very encouraging. But one doctor said to me very bluntly, sure go ahead and get pregnant if you want "motherless children". I thought he was the most awful, cruel, insensitive beast. Now, I have 14 year old twin girls and stage IV, and am contemplating the reality of leaving my daugthers without a mom.

I dont care about me at all. When I am dead I will be gone. But, leaving my children without their mother by thier side as they grow and live thier own lives breaks my heart. Maybe having a sibling for your son will be comforting for him when you are no longer around. I am comforted by the fact that my daughters will have each other.

I am hardly a pessimist, I too feel great right now and hope to live many more years. But, you have to consider what is in the best interest of those who will be left behind what what emotional legacy you will be leaving. It is a hard decision and one for which there is no right or wrong answer. good luck.

By CSF
Posted October 28, 2008 at 3:17 pm
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This is a tough question. I don't have any kids. When I was diagnosed at stage 4 at the age of 37, I was about to start the process of adoption. But it became obvious with my diagnosis that would be impossible. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I do understand that placing a child with someone who probably cannot provide a stable long-term home is not in the best interest of the child.
My sister died from BC when her 2 kids were very young. The youngest only remembers her mom as being sick all the time.
My mom died of cancer when I was quite young and it was hard.
While we hope that treatment will help us live long healthy lives, we have to accept that the odds are against us. Miracles do happen, but I personally would not gamble a child's well-being on it.
I think Lynn said it best, really.
Enjoy and love the family that you have now... and while it is difficult to realize that our futures are uncertain, what you have now is in itself a miracle.

By debraocn
Posted November 2, 2008 at 5:31 pm
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To answer the question you asked........No, I do not think you are selfish to want a sibling for your child. I do not think you are selfish to hope for a normal life span despite being stage IV. I do not think you are selfish to want to fulfill your dream (for you and your husband) of having children.

Each situation is unique and you need to analyze the facts you have about your health before making a decision. Ask your doctor if you can talk realistically about your life expectancy. Tell him/her that you are trying to make a decision about having another child and you need help in understanding what the quality and quantity of your life will be now that you are stage IV. There may be many different treatments available for your cell type of cancer, or there may be only 1 or 2 possible treatments. Get as much information as you can.

Here is my situation:

I had cancer at age 25 and then spent 3 years trying to get pregnant. Just when I had about given up, I found out I was pregnant. I had a healthy baby boy and no complications during the pregnancy. Two years later I accidentally got pregnant and that triggered bone marrow failure in me. It was a very difficult pregnancy and my daughter was born prematurely. She had to be resusitated at birth and she was very tiny compared to her brother at birth. My kids grew up with a mom who always had cancer. But I was able to be a surrogate Mom for a friend of my daughter. Her mom died of bc when she was young. When there were mother-daughter school events, I was Mom for both girls. I went to her dance performances and brought her flowers. When both girls were in school plays, I brought flowers for both. Now they are grown and I'm still Mom. When I was in the hospital recently, my daughter's friend flew in from NY to see me. Do you have a friend who can help your husband with the children, in the event you do not live to see them grown? This is another thing to think about. Your husband is OK with raising the children but you can't predict how he will feel abouth your death. My daughter's friend had a father who could not get over his grief. He raised their daughters by giving them whatever they wanted. Emotionally, there was something missing.

If, after looking at all the information you can gather, you and your husband still want a child, then you can try open adoption. This is more expensive, and may take a while to find birth parents who will choose you to adopt their child, but at least it is not a flat out no like you got from government adoption agencies. You can also consider adopting a child from another country or adopting an older child.

Good luck to you. Whatever you decide to do, enjoy the time you have with your husband and son.

By evanessa
Posted July 1, 2009 at 4:53 pm
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Dear cancerkicker,

I'm new to this website, but i could hardly believe that there was someone else going through and thinking exactly the same way as I do about children.

I have even gone as far as to consider a surrogate mother using a donors ovum and my husband's sperm but this is def. out of the question for my husband- he thinks we should be thankful we had our son(which is true) and think about how I would be able to cope with a newborn( my son did not sleep a whole night until 3 1/2) Also, my mother is not getting any younger and it would be very selfish to just think of what I want.

Believe it or not, i'm still going through chemo and still am thinking about the same subject. - I too, always wanted twins but I'm sure our sons will give us lots of grandchildren to babysit.

I pray that God answers your prayers but maybe he has other plans for us...

Big hug from across the pond

Evanessa

Welcome to Inspire!

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