The Little Things...

Today I went in to my doc for a mammogram and pre-op kidney and liver blood work. I was feeling very teary today, don't know why..like anything could make me burst into tears. (I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself too, I think.) I was walking into the clinic and an adorable older man held the door open for me (he had to be in his 80's). I thanked him and he said he had to open the door for me because I was so cute! I walked to the elevators to go down to the lab and noticed he had joined his wife and they were headed for the elevators too. I held the door and they thanked me. He said to his wife, "Isn't she cute" and his wife said "she's adorable". Then he said to me "Isn't it so much better being cute rather than ugly"? This seemed like the oddest question and I laughed at him. I said thank you and went to get my blood work done. I sat down and started tearing up, but not because I was sad. I realized that we have to really look for the little things and really savor them and take them in, especially in times like we're going through right now! I just thought it was the cutest thing and it made me smile. I believe that was a little message from God saying, Hey, snap out of it..it's gonna be ok.
Just got off the phone with the oncology check-in nurse and she told me that my surgeon is the best surgeon that side of the river (St. Paul, MN) and that she has known him for 25 years. All the nurses have said that they would be lucky to have him as their surgeon.
Suffice to say, I no longer feel teary or sorry for myself. I just have to "snap out of it" and CHOOSE to dwell on the positive things! Just a thought..sorry to ramble, but that's what a journal is for huh?

By verlinda
Posted July 3, 2009 at 9:54 am
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You're pure gold!

You do need to mourn the changes in your life, but you're making the right choices. Take time to realize your emotions, understand that you do have to grieve, but then do what you're doing: get past that!

Now, if I were only as good at following advice as I am at giving it....

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings.

By goldi111
Posted July 3, 2009 at 11:39 am
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Verlinda - thank you so much for your post. I think sometimes our emotions are all over the map that it's hard for us to try and keep up with them. It's really easy to say you're staying positive, but you're right--when you ARE feeling down, give in to that emotion and just let it play itself out. Then, like you said, TRY and go on. You've given me so much good advice and such support, I pray that you find comfort in your own words! You are a wise woman and have given me so much already! God bless you!
Hugs--Lisa

By kalo555
Posted July 3, 2009 at 12:35 pm
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I've learned to allow myself to cry. It is not a sign of weakness, it does not mean that you are giving up, nor does it mean that you are not being positive. It is a sweet release of all the emotions that the body doesnt know what to do with. It is good for the soul, good for your stress level to let it out and sometimes have a good cry......without feeling guilty about it. I cried alot prior to surgery because I was so afraid and didn't know what to expect. I was one tough cookie going through chemo but occasionally, when the naseau was impossible, I cried from sheer exhaustion. When I went in for my 1st recheck after chemo, I was sitting in the waiting room, reflecting on my many trips to that office, when the radio started playing the song from our wedding....Yep, started bawling like a baby. JEEEZ. I no longer look at crying as a bad thing. Allow it to happen , embrace how it feels to let it out, let it go. You deserve that.

By goldi111
Posted July 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm
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Kalo - another words, look at crying in a positive way! : ) I do believe God gave us crying as a way of making sure our body's don't explode! Not really, but you know what I mean. I'm kind of surprised that I haven't really broke down, maybe still in a little bit of denial until the surgery. The only time I really bawled was when my doc sent me down for labs right after he had told me he was referring me to the Minnesota Oncology - St. Paul Cancer Center. I guess that's when it seemed more real. Also, I'm thinkin' that because I have really used this site as an outlet since I joined not that long ago, it's helping me get those feelings out too. Something so special about the women on this site -- I'm constantly amazed!
I can imagine you breaking down when you heard the music from your wedding! I am a musician (played piano since I was 2, & music major in college) and music is really attached to my emotions and feelings! Thanks for your post. God bless you - I hope & pray you are doing well.
Hugs--

By 3h
Posted July 3, 2009 at 7:58 pm
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You might think I'm crazy, but when I had my surgery a year and a half ago, I looked at it as an adventure since I had never had major surgery or spent more than one night in a hospital. I knew my surgeon was highly acclaimed, and I so wanted to get the tumor out of me that I was actually excited to have the surgery! I was very fit and strong, and it was a breeze, even though I had to spend 10 days in the hospital because I didn't fart until day 8!!!! Many on this site will know just what I mean, because should a bowel re-sectioning be necessary, you can't eat until you pass gas because that shows that your digestive tract is back in action. Ambulate (walk) immediately. I did laps around that hospital for 9 days and recovered beautifully. I wish you well, and keep your sunny side up! It worked for me.

By goldi111
Posted July 3, 2009 at 8:24 pm
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3h - That's a really good way to think about it, I have also thought of the adventure angle. My husband will of course be with me and joining us are my mom, dad, sister & daughters. We're joing to meet in the cafeteria early and just sit and schmooz (even though I won't be able to eat or drink). I look forward to the support and maybe with a group of people, I won't feel so scared. My surgeon is also known to be one of the best & I look forward to getting the "sucker" out of me. Thanks for the farting info. -- I will keep it in mind, should they have to mess with my bowels. Also, you can be betting that I will be walking ALOT, if not from sheer boredom but to get "things" moving -- if you know what I mean! : ) Thanks for the post!

By SouthernBelle
Posted July 3, 2009 at 9:02 pm
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I love you all. I had my surgery 14 months ago so you made me smile thinking about the farting. When the doctor removes your tumor he manipulates your bowel so it goes into shock. Your colon goes to sleep after your surgery and has to wake up before you can go home. I remember asking the nurse and doctor every day, "Any bowel sounds yet ??". I know they probably laughed at me. I walked and walked and finally got my husband to warm up prune juice on day 9 so my bowel would start moving. I was so happy for that first fart. 10 days of no food takes a while for things to go. I drank milk of magnesium when I got home (under doctors orders). It took a while to get back to normal. I did get sad later, probably about 2 months after surgery. So cry and cry like a baby. It will feel so much better. I actually talked with a counselor and she helped me grieve. It was like I had gone through a death of part of myself. I love your story about the elderly couple. I look forward to living into my 80's and telling a pretty girl that she is just a pretty little thing.

Take care.

By goldi111
Posted July 3, 2009 at 10:16 pm
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Southern Belle - You are TOO cute! Hopefully all goes well for me in Fartland. We'll see...I appreciate the advice & what you said about crying. I, too look forward to living into my 80's and telling a handsome young man that he is a babe! : ) Just kidding...well, maybe.

By Patricia123
Posted July 4, 2009 at 9:32 am
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I cried for three months after diagnosis. In fact I wailed a few times,,out of the blue, this long loud wail like keening. One of my daughters finally looked at me one day and said "oh no, the wail is coming" and I laughed.

I had a mammogram before surgery too and cried all over the machine. The tech was so nice,,I couldn't stop so she got the radiologist to read it on the spot and he came out into the waiting room to reassure me.

I cried everywhere, every time I had a feeling.

It passed. Now I tear a little but not like before.

I think crying is healing and my hypnotist agrees, he even gave me a post hypnotic suggestion that it was letting the good that was coming in go out so more could come in. It was a sign of the amount of love I was getting.

So cry and imagine love coming out your tear ducts.

By goldi111
Posted July 4, 2009 at 3:04 pm
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Patricia - I had ALOT of love coming out of me last night. For some reason I just couldn't get to sleep and all I could think about was how much pain I was going to be in, what if I didn't make it through the surgery, what would my husband and girls do, etc. All I could do was cry because I just felt such terror. Then, when I did fall asleep I had nightmares about it. Finally, I got up and went out into the living room and watched comedies, The Nanny, Fresh Prince, etc. and felt better. I went back to sleep and slept late..I think the crying helped! I will think abou the healing when I fall apart. Thanks for your post!
Hugs--

By Patricia123
Posted July 4, 2009 at 3:12 pm
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You sound like me,,it was months before I slept but friend Ativan helped,,it really did.

Shame all our incoming love and outgoing love has to stop our noses up and make us look so, well, weepy!

You will do fine in the surgery. I had no pain,,Dilaudid self administered drip cured anything. If anything I was just lying around relieved.

By SouthernBelle
Posted July 4, 2009 at 5:02 pm
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Don't be afraid of the surgery. This was my first surgery so I was terrified because I have seen so many surgeries. Hips, knees, gallbladder etc. and they are so routine to the staff and so controlled. I work in a hospital so I have seen a lot. I got the doctor to give me some versed before I went into surgery and that really helped. I did have some pain but a morphine drip that I control really helped. Don't get up the first day but as soon as the nurses try to help you get up do. It helps with the healing. Just go slow and you will be fine.

We will send you hugs and prayers,
Mary

By goldi111
Posted July 4, 2009 at 11:37 pm
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Thanks for your posts. Just what I needed at 10:25 pm the night before we leave for the cities. Now I kinda feel like the pain won't be so bad. Sounds like I'll just be in La La Land for the first day at least. I can handle that! Pain Management is so different these days - much better than years ago. It even has its own department in the hospital! : ) And I'll be glad to walk, even though it will be uncomfortable. Sitting in bed drives me crazy!
This'll probably be my last post before we go. I hope to be home by Thurs. or Fri. The surgeon said Monday 10:00 am surgery - SHOULD be out in 3-4 days (Thur. or Fri). I try to remind myself of this when I get scared. Almost like Ahh, just routine surgery - be home soon. For some reason it helps me (even if it doesn't turn out that way). I understand that it may be longer depending on so many things. I will post as soon as I get home. There won't be much else for me to do but putz on the computer, right? Thanks to all for your love, prayers and support. Knowing you're thinking of me makes me feel brave! : ) Will talk to you again soon!
Hugs--Lisa

By mawmaw4
Posted July 5, 2009 at 8:45 am
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God can show up in just about anything, He can talk to us and show us His love in just about anybody (even a donkey!!) I love it and I am believing for the good reports to keep coming!
Bev

By mikecalginia
Posted July 5, 2009 at 12:21 pm
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goldi,

In your own defense, you seem to display so much positive energy, that I found it difficult to imagine you as depressed and feeling sorry for yourself.

You give so much of yourself in your writings, and that can be a very good talent to be used. I am not the cancer victim but my Mom is.

You and she would probably enjoy each others company, even if you are years apart in ages. Mom is going to go through another six sessions of chemotherapy for the next several months, and reading your story made her feel "I am not alone."

By the pic I can see that you are quite beautiful and your sprirt surrounds you with glowing light. Thank you so much for writing and sharing your views!

Mike Poisson

By lovemnms
Posted July 5, 2009 at 6:32 pm
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Sometimes it is hard to focus on the the positive things especially in our situations. I find it's best to live each day one at a time. I find myself focusing on the kind little comments more than ever before.

I read a quote once that said, "no day is over if it makes a memory".

That saying can go either way but I like to think of nice comments and people's actions when I'm feeling down.

Take care.

By farahs_mom
Posted July 5, 2009 at 8:46 pm
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Good luck, I wish you all the best. I hope that your surgery goes well and with your positive attitude, I am certain that you will recover quickly. Take care, my thoughts and prayer are with you.

Welcome to Inspire!

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