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faithmena
  • By faithmena
  • Posted June 29, 2009 at 10:53 pm · 17 replies
  • Shared with the public
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Ladies
I need to get this off my chest and know that only you will understand. I just got done downloading tons of pictures I had on disks onto my lap top. I was astonished at how healthy and overall good I looked. (of course I did not think that at the time)
I no longer look like that and feel like I lost my mojo.
I have gained weight, I lost all my hair, my skin does not radiate and I look worn out. It was just a harsh reminder of what cancer has taken away from me and it just plain sucks. This may sound shallow but it just really hit home.

Mena

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

Cancer Phobias

17 replies

ReneP

mena -
totally relate
i look in the mirror sometimes and think
"I am old, tired and worn out"
and it may not get any prettier :0(

faithmena

Rene,

Guess this is where our incredibly charming personalities come into play.

Mena

Groovygirlcool

Hey Mena

I think what you are experiencing is a largely ignored part of any cancer, and treatment involved.

We lose so much, regardless of our personal circumstances - some lose breasts, limbs, sight,mobility, independance, marriages, jobs,confidence,self esteem -whatever.

We may have a lot to grieve over, and I think the unseen things like our self confidence - our 'mojo'; our sense of self - what previously defined 'us' as 'us', is a hard to accept loss.

We can't always package and identify it, for me it's sort of like my best friend died, but there's no funeral or acknowledgement of who 'died'.

But I do know my peace of mind is lost; my taken-for-granted future and accommpanying milestones is uncertain; and potential resetting of perceived life priorities with every scan result is unnerving.

It's tough going, and I think we owe it to ourselves to take stock of what we've lost - rant, rave, scream, cry, deny (whatever those 7 stages of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' are!!) and give ourselves time to gradually accept the who/what/why that is 'us' in the here and now. What else can we do?

You're still a fabulous sexy sassy female, even if the 'packaging' has taken a beating!! A smile makes us all gorgeous : )

Love and Hugs Sweetie!! xxGGC

Beachbabe

I agree, I think a lot more focus needs to be put on what we 'lose' as we battle this beast. I now realize how much I related to the 'hot babe' part of myself...I could draw attention when I walked into the bar room or the boardroom. Now, it's not so often, and it rattles me somewhat...NOW what do I do, rely on my keen wit and intelligence?

I think the worst thing I lost was my innocence...my joie de vivre and confidence that tomorrow was going to be even BETTER than today...my certainty that I would be here to be a silly old granny. That's a lot to lose, and some days I still grapple with it.

And yet, there's been a lot gained as well...I am proud of my ability to make vodka out of rotten potatoes...the friendships I've made rival any I've ever had...I've lost some of my phobias and fears and am OUT there doing things I never thought I would do. So, while you will never hear me say that this cancer thing is a GIFT, there has been some good that has come out of it.

Love you all~

lynnwv

I relate to this post soooo much!!

First off, Because all I have to "see" you are the little blocks of pictures, in my head I see these incredible, beautiful, powerful women. So, I'm thinking if that's how I know them, then that's really how they are, and that's how I am too!!

I agree though, the part of me that looked forward to the future has gone into hiding. When someone says, "this is a busy summer, maybe we can do that next year" I want to jump up and say "NO we have to do it now! Now is all that matters."

I'm one of those girls whose had multiple rebuilding, shaping, removing surgeries over the last 18 months. Guess what I've been doing in prep of my honeymoon . . . buying expensive nighties that cover as much as humanly possible in a "pretty" way. Luckily I wasn't all that "hot" before my restructuring, so it wasn't that much of a shock to me! LOL

Love you guys!! You are are amazingly strong and beautiful to me, thanks!!

faithmena

Beachbabe and Groovygirlcool

I know what you mean by the "hot babe" ....well hair plays a big part in that and not having any kinda puts a damper on it all. I do have a pretty wig and must admit one would not know just looking at me but I know and that were the mojo part comes in. Beachbabe I so agree more than anything it's losing that innocence and joie de vivre and
taking for granted tomorrow will come. Losing yourself in your life and it all the details. I guess because I am still pretty new to stage 4 I have not yet observed the positive angles except for all the wonderful women I have met on this site.
Mena

sr2603

Faithmena - sorry you are feeling so down. I know the feeling too. Sometimes you feel not so good and you see that pale, shallow looking face with no hair. You wnat to smash the mirror and forget the "I am beautifyl within statement". Take a step back and just see yourself as the beautiful spirit you are. Make up and wigs work miracles. If it were not for the accessories, I would have removed every mirror in my house LOL.

It is also hard waking up and trying not to think too far ahead because most of us feel we are on borrowed time. I just recently looked at Michael Jackson and Mr Mays who sells the oxyclean. I realize we all have a schedule of time on this planet. What we do while we are here matters. Take time for yourself and try and pamper yoursel fwith little things to cheer yourself up.

Hugs to you and hope you feel good again soon.

Sharon

cancerkicker

I can't really add anything to the discussion, except that I think a good old day at the spa usually helps.........massage, facial, mani and pedi..........new woman!!!! At least it temporarily works for me!

celeste_mcfarland

mena - having our appearance change so quickly and our reaction to that is NEVER SHALLOW. it is real for us. cancer picks us apart piece by piece and it's ok for me to grieve the losses.
i definitely feel that the cancer treatment has aged me.
not only are we in a battle for our lives - we have the scars to prove it.

sometimes i can hold on to the idea that something beautiful will come out - a stronger more confident side of me. and honestly, there are just those days when i just don't want to deal with any of it and i just want to feel good again.

but no matter what - cancer has made me dig deeper for who i am. my love and hugs are coming your way mena. enjoy your day today!

celeste

chloemom

Dear Mena,
How timely! I just had someone ask to see my license and then tell me that I didn't look anything like the photo! The shock of her casual statement was intensified when I realized that the photo was taken at the end of my first taxol,carboplatin, Herceptin treatment, complete with wig, drawn on brows and pallor! I now have real brows and hair but the two rounds of the above mentioned chemo has turned my very short hair gray (do you buy that cause not many people do but I still try using it! lol)

I too organized photos a few months ago and marveled at how different and well I looked even though at the time of each photo I didn't think so.
I still am shocked when I look in a mirror because my
inner image of what I look like doesn't match what I see. For the first time in my life I feel and look my age rather than 10 years younger, which I'm sure also had something to do with the differences between me in person and the license photo the clerk commented on. I've stopped thinking of living to a ripe old age like the previous generations of women in my family.

I agree with all that's been said here, we've lost a lot including our mojo and innocence ... and continue to readjust those inner images, constantly. It seems like a constant low grade grieving process ... that occasionally is interrupted by some enjoyable but brief moment in time. GGC I think you're on to something...if only we could have one big cleansing
rant through the Kubler Ross stages and be done with it!

I'd like to extend those enjoyable moments in time, be more mindfully in the present but because I don't seem to have periods of time without treatment recommendations to consider, I feel a need to spend a lot of time researching cancer treatments instead.
Sometimes I wonder if it balances out because it sure seems skewed toward cancer most days!

But here, with all of you and your experiences, I'm reminded to get off the computer and live once in a while. I can say what I want or how I feel and know that it will be heard and understood. I can look my age cause I don't have a photo up and you are left to your imaginations!!! (lol!)
Peace to all

GirliebikerTPBC

I just told my husband several days ago, while in tears, "I look so old now. I have big old puffy eyes, sallow skin, and such sadness in my face." He tried to reassure me that I didn't look any different to him, but maybe he's gotten used to it in the last 17 months.

One day I went into my oncologist's office and he said, "You look so much better." And, that was a day that I was feeling very ugly. I must have looked frightful before that.

I'm not really a vain person, but I hate losing the happiness in my face and eyes.

kleighk

Losing "the happiness in my face and eyes" is probably what makes me look so much older now. That's a great way to vocalize it. Even when I'm feeling pretty good there is still a lack of something, and it's the "happy".

I can't put a finger on when I lost it; maybe it was gradual. Friends and relatives say "You look wonderful" and it makes me wonder what they think I should look like!

You're right, makeup helps a bit--at least when I draw on the eyebrows I don't look like a bowling ball or Uncle Fester!! LOL

I guess I'm feeling a bit down today. It's gosh-awful hot out again and payday's not for 2 days so I can't even go get an ice cream or something!!! This disease SUCKS!!!

Shanti

I just spent hours going through family photos that have been collecting in a box for the last 20 years. I had the thought to make individual albums for each of my kids. So I bought the albums and they sat there for 6 months. I finally got around to it this past weekend. It took me hours just to sort the photos into two piles, one when we lived in California and one for Montana.

I too was amazed and kind of sad at how good I looked at different times when I was fretting that I was "fat" or didn't like my hair or whatever. My mother used to wear a necklace of the words WHO CARES around her neck during her 60's and 70's. I thought it was funny then, but I get it on a deeper level now. I too thought I would get to grow older and wiser and funnier, and the truth is I will. Tomorrow I will be older, not too sure about the wiser and funnier.

So here is a question for all you fellow Inspirers. The picture I have up above is around last christmas in the middle of a year on Xeloda, when my kids were both home from college and both my dogs, (can you see the little fat doxie underneath with her little chin on my elbow?) sitting on my lap. My always straight hair was growing in curly which I loved and of course knew could never happen! Cancer can be funny sometimes. I am now sitting here with my shoulder length hair coming out in small chemo clumps. Do I need to put a new picture up?

For now I want to remember that happy days have been part of this process for me. And if not before why not again?

I love you all and this wonderful, inspiring place to share the ups and downs.

Terry

StickiVicki

The western world has become so obsessed by appearances, and the need to be young and beautiful. Why? Surely none of us is really that shallow.

I have taken more care about the way I look since having cancer, probably because I have always thought of myself as being repulsive, so why worry, no one will notice me. After I lost my hair from adjuvant chemo I was concerned that I would look too masculine without a wig, or pretty hairband when it began to grow back. I have never coloured my hair, which is now greyer that the photo you see, or worn foundation, just eye shadow and lipstick.

But ultimately I really don't care what people think about the way I look. I have an image of a thin, beautiful me inside, which I know does not match what others see, but if they don't find the way I look to be acceptable that is their problem, not mine. I happen to think I am a rather nice person, so why waste my time and energy trying to make others see what, possibly, they don't WANT to see.

It really should be true that we should not judge others by the way they look, but we all do it on some level, but just think how many people you treasure in life who are not picture perfect and who you would not judge with the same standards that you would apply to yourself. We look at ourselves in the mirror much closer than just about anyone else will ever do, so we magnify the faults we think we have. How many women, that we think of as stunning, think of themselves as such when they look in the mirror? Very few. I'm sure Audrey Hepburn, Greta Garbo et al didn't think they were beautiful at times, but the rest of the world would disagree with them. So ultimately we are on a par with Hepburn and Garbo!

Cancer may have taken the glow from us, but the spirit is still shining through; so maybe if the eyes do not look quite as bright it is because a gust of adversity has temporarily caused it to faulter just at the moment that the picture was taken.

You all look great to me ... now where did I leave my guide dog for the blind? Joke!!!

ReneP

dear mena
just catching up on this thread
so glad for our charming personalities....
everyone has something great to say.
its all meaningful and our losses count and need to be witnessed
and of course we recognize the light within.

i miss my sparkle but strive to keep the embers glowing down deep inside.

ps i agree loosing hair is major !
first time (stage 1 diagnosis) i lost my hair and it sucked. now of course i have stage 4 and it sucks but i have my hair. so i am "sicker" but can "pass" at the grocery story. petty/shallow i know but it helps. so i honor that place of no hair is a drag. AND my next chemo recipe whenever that may be will probably bring my new wig out for a spin....

CSF

i can definitely relate too. it is on the long list of things i grieve - some days more than others.
as far as the pics we put up here and elsewhere, i don't know if people would get this, but i like to put up a slightly older picture. i have recently had new ones taken for professional purposes - it took alot of makeup and i still don't look "right".
i guess i feel that my current appearance doesn't match who i really am. i'm older (aged 10 years in the past 3 or so), haggard and tired looking. i don't want that to be the only picture people have in their minds (for those who have never met me anyway)
make any sense? i'm a little foggy today, so not so good with the talking thing...
duh...

faithmena

Makes absolute sense to me. I know when I think of you
I do picture that beautiful long hair and pretty face.
Whatever makes us feel good it what we should do!!!!
That's my motto now.

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