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All of Me, Nothing of Me

blueriver
  • By blueriver
  • Posted January 3, 2009 at 3:39 am · 16 replies
  • Shared with the public
  • Edited July 7, 2009 at 3:25 pm
0 Recommendations

I am an extrovert and love people, yet I shy away and cave myself in. I live in constant sorrow yet, I enjoy my good sense of humor and love to laugh with others. I hardly eat, yet I am well over weight. I look so quiet and peaceful and calm, yet I am screamming with madness inside. Whatever you want...

all of me or nothing of me

end

I am a Trauma Survivor of a horrible crime.


I wrote this long ago.

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

Exercise Counseling Pain Leukodystrophy

16 replies

zeester2001

It sounds like you have had something tragic happen. What happened? My son was just diagnosed with metachromatic leukodystrophy. So, I know tragic things can happen to all of us. I sure hope you are doing well.

AnnMV

Hello. My name is Ann and I'm a cohost to this community. It has absolutely exploded with the new Challenge, so it's hard to keep up with responding to posts, but yours was especially gripping. Like zeester2001, I am intrigued, curious, and concerned and would love to just BE THERE if you want to share. Did you join the community because of the weight issue? Maybe by freeing yourself of some of the pain you're in by sharing with others will help you focus on the positive, an ability you surely seem to have.

Zeester, what is metochromatic leukodystrophy? It sounds both rare and serious. How old is your son? I have a daughter with significant medical complications herself. She is my living, breathing angel and I've learned so much from being her mom.

Best to you both and hope to hear back.

FATLADY_SINGS

By keeping busy most all of the time,I have found that traumatic and/or horrifying events in the past can be kept at bay,and help you get through life day by day.
Having a short term goal
(like "today I will try that new restaurant")
but also a long term goal
(like" this summer I will visit Montana")
keeps you focused on whats at hand,and what to look forward to...hobbies that you can really get involved in helps aswell,keeping you busy,keeping the dark thoughts and memories away.
Pets do help,they are very therapeutic,and they keep you going,keep you busy.
Life can be so rewarding when theres something to look forward to,something to do,and someone(or something) to care for.

zeester2001

Hello Ann,

The disease my son has is a degeneration of the white matter of the brain that insulates the brain and the nerves that go to the rest of the body. At first, gross motor skills such as walking are affected and then later their sight and ability to move at all are affected. At one point, they pretty much go into a vegetative state and then eventually due to their heart stopping or some other illness that kills them. My son has the late infantile form which is the most progressive form. Kids who are diagnosed at 2 rarely live past 5. Some live to be age 10 or longer due to current supportive therapies. My son is 2 and will be 3 in April. So far, he is doing well but can't walk without my assistance or without a walker but he is very bright. What kind of health problems does your daughter have?

Harry58

From what you have told us, you have some wonderful qualities to share. If you love people and have a sense of humor, you have the tools neceessary to connect with others. You have something of great value to give especially because you personally know what others feeling so awful inside are going throug. The opportunity exists for you to bring love and a smile to others, and when you give without expecting in return, that usually brings love and smiles your way. Those are among the returns which will in turn soothe your inner sorrow and calm your madness.

I don't know what trauma you have suffered nor can I pretend to know what you are going through. Perhaps only someone who has been there can give you meaningful advice. One place you might find direction is in the story of a girl named Alex who was also blindsided by an unfair and unexpected tragedy. You can read about her story in the book "When One Door Closes" by Susie and Bill Graham. In the book there are examples of how one individual, her family, her friends, and her community chose to constructively respond to tragedy and loss.

I hope my thoughts are in some small way helpful. I pray that you find the will and strength to reach out and help others that need your love and smile.

blueriver

Thank You AnnMV.

I did join for the wieght issue. I do agree with you. I need to let go more of my pain. I have let go much of my inner pain. However just recently my father died. He and I were very close. Like many others I'm sure they may be close to a parent. But when my father died it triggered some strange, strange dreams and memories. So, I have been up-side-down for awhile. I do welcome help and advice. But don't forget the humor! I need that the most.....

blueriver

FatLady_Sings

Thank You for responding. You gave me good sound advice. I love it! It was amazing you suggested for me to get a pet, because I was just thinking about that. I watch a tv show called the "Dog Whisperer". I love that show. I have been craving a dog. I've always have had dogs as a kid. I am just not a cat person. I don't hate cats, I just prefer dogs.

blueriver

To: Harry58
Thank You for that up-building encouragement. Also I would like to thank you for suggesting the book of some one else's unexpected tragedy. Sometimes reading other peoples tragedy makes your tragedy seem like nothing. In my survivor group that I use to go to, I heard stories that just blew my mind away! Never-the-less they actually helped me to put things in perspective order. Most of all I appreciate the way you pointed me to a more spiritual way. It is refreshing to know that there are still people out there that love God as I do.

catspah

Blueriver! My heart just aches for you! You've struggled for so long now, but your spirits seem to be up for now! Your picture frightens me. Very, very weird. :)

Writing a book is extremely theraputic. I wrote one some time ago because I am part of a despised minority in this country. Writing the book, and publishing it, helped me to deal with a lot of the frustration and hurt I had experienced in trying to deal with others. And a bonus was hearing from so many others like me for whom my book has made a difference in their lives. (I'm an atheist.)

I hope your book helps you ten times more than mine did me.

FATLADY_SINGS

Wonderful ,getting a dog will really help.
What kind are you thinking of?
Read up on different breeds,their needs and personalities.Get your house ready for the puppy:
just like for children,secure and/or remove small objects from floorlevel,have a safe place for the puppy to sleep undisturbed,like a crate.
Walking a dog is great,natural exercise.
You also meet new people,a dog is a wonderful "icebreaker",most everyone likes to talk about their dog,or a dog they know.
2009 will be a great year for you!

Tamyra

I am so glad you wrote, I will be spending allot of time thinking about this. I love your picture, the eyes are windows to the soul, hiding behind what we appear to be has become my life. I struggle with the shame of my lack of ability and my appearance. I know all that shouldn't matter but it does. I so understand how the inside is screaming, how badly I just want someone to hear me. You have inspired me to put my thoughts on paper. Thank you for sharing.

MarieTwinTubes

Dear BlueRiver and all of you have posted.

This is all really powerful stuff. And wonderfully, the most powerful is that we have each other!

BlueRiver, no matter what, face each day with your face to the sun!! You are bigger than your past circumstances. I think any of us who have experienced unbelievable pain are somehow able to reach out to others in a deeper way. You sound like an incredible person. The world is definitely better because you are here.

Here's to life and breath and hope!
Marie

PS: Catspah, it made me sad to hear you say you are part of a despised minority. I don't despise you or your beliefs. I'm sure there a lot of people who don't. I hope they will speak out. May your fulfillment in life overcome your pain. Marie

camae

I am a trauma survivor myself and I think I know how you feel. I have long felt and described myself to different therapists I've seen as being two people living in the same body. After all the traumas and losses I now find myself caring for a young adult child with a chronic illness. It never seems to end.

cbnumb3rs

I am a trauma survivior too. everything you wrote i feel everyday. as if i read a journal entry of my own if you would like to talk email me. take care

nanalin

I pray today is a good day for you. Today find one good thing to enjoy and feel good about,tomorrow try to find 2 good things,the next day 3,so on and on. or me this am it would be the pleasure of seeing my bird feeder in good use by several variety of feathered friends.

Maybe it is not how much you eat but what you eat. Maybe you actually need to increase your calories and your exercise for a couple of days to give your matabolism a kick in the pants!

blueriver

1/29/09
The poem above and that way of life was a long time ago. I have had 11 years of professional counseling. Some good and some not so good. I have a total new way of life now. However,
I have good days and bad days, I've been there done that, seen it, hid from it, screamed and cried, lost and found. I am a new woman a much stronger woman. I have some very odd and unique jobs that someone like me have been able to master. I am very grateful for all those people who rehabilitated me and to those who even had a hand in helping me, and to those friends and nieghbors and group members for supporting me. So, now in conclusion, I would like to reach out and support others who have ptsd, or to those people who just want to ask questions about ptsd. Remember my bad days still come and go. But that is how it will always be.

kiss kiss

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