I've decided to enter HOSPICE!!! Never thought it would come to that :(

Well Ladies, my dear sisters, after a little over a month of constant hospitalizations- It has come to Hospice.

As some of you may have noticed, I haven't been posting as much as usual. I have been hospitalized 4 times in a little over 1 month. Let me explain the more recent. My 2nd all inclusive stay at the City of Hope was because I was having Shortness of Breath with chest pressure and pain. At this same time, I was undergoing WBR and had to stop chemo because I was going to start Eribulin and there is no data to support the safety of WBR and chemo at the same time. So, my Onc decided to put me on Eribulin due to extreme progression of disease against my RAD ONC's orders. So, the days I would be on chemo I will not do radiation. WORKS FOR ME!

Well, about less than a week after I was discharged I began to get sick with flu like symptoms but my 103 fever will not go away. So, I visited the evaluation center after radiation (on Tuesday 2/22/11) hoping to get antibiotics. Wouldn't you know that my fever had broke right before stepping foot in the facility. So you can imagine how much I looked like a "jackass" at that point. They did blood cultures and said to return or call if I didn't feel better. I received a call from the NP at my Onc's office and she said I had bacteria that grew so I need to get admitted.

I wanted to scream because at this point this was my 3rd admission, one right after the other. It was determined that I had a bacterial infection in my port as well as my bloodstream and there were 2 different bugs in the blood. O'h joy how I love to stay in the hospital! I had my port removed considering it was the source and had a picc line installed in my right arm. Finally, I was dc'd from the hospital and was so HAPPY to feel the air hit my face. They gave me a pump so that I can automatically receive my anitbiotics through my picc line for the next 2 weeks.

Literally, about 2-3 DAYS later, I was feeling pain in my arm where the picc line was. So, just to make my husband happy and he doesn't yell at me, I decided to call into the doctors office (Monday night 2/28/11) to see if it's normal and of course with my luck it wasn't. They said for me to go to the local ER because it was after hours and they are not equipped to handle something like this after hours. (Blows my mind because they are a major cancer hospital- how do you not have the staffing and equipment after hours?)

So I go to the local ER and I have a blood clot from my right elbow up to my shoulder down my right shoulder blade. SAY WHAT? I couldn't believe it was that big. Anyway, there I go again hospitalized for a week. It was really ironic how this happened because the very next day I started with pain and shortness of breath on my left side and then also where my liver is at. CT and MRI later it has come that I have 20 tumors sizes of grapes and golf balls in my liver. By the way, some of my brain mets aren't gone.

My onc said that we have maybe 1 more drug to try and that's the end of my road. So, I decided that I would rather enjoy the rest of my life enjoying it with my family than getting sick off of chemo and being in the hospital.

I feel good about my decision and if you were to ask me 2 1/2 yrs ago if I would consider Hospice I would tell you "O'h heck no". These last 9 months have just gone by so quick with the cancer spreading the way it did. My doc is giving me less than 3 months to live so I decided to take advantage and start my bucket list.

This friday we are taking 40 members of our family on an all expense paid trip to Vegas. We are taking a limo bus and staying at the Palazzo. I want to build memories more than anything else. My kids are excited because they love circus circus of course. Then, at the end of the month we have 15 of us going to my most favorite game show "The Price is Right" too bad my buddy Bob Barker isn't the host. My thing on my bucket list is to spin the wheel. I don't even care if I get called or not. :)

Again, I feel good about my decision because about 3 months ago I knew that I would die from this disease. It's a reality and considering everywhere it's at that there is no chemo that will save my life but maybe prolong it a little. Hospice sends a nurse out 3 times a week and I have a Fentanyl patch on for pain. I can take other meds for breakthrough pain but I hate to feel drowsy and tired. I am not afraid to die but am afraid for my kids and husband. It's those who stay here who have to suffer. That breaks my heart.

Did you know that in every state other than CT, if you take the accelerated benefit of your life insurance then you are forced to take 40% of your face value. That is what we did but we only wanted 10% which is more than enough to do what we want to do.

I thank you ladies for your support and I do plan on keeping you all posted. Love to you all

Leanna

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102 replies. Join the discussion

Wow. An amazing post from an amazing woman. I am so sorry things are progressing as they are but I love the spirit of living every possible bit of life.

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Thank You for sharing your story, we all have one. Enjoy this family time, and keep us updated on your special trip to Vegas.

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I've read this post and some of your others. My heart goes out to you. This disease is awful. I will be praying for you and your family.
Hugs,
Beth

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Best wishes to you in this part of your journey.

DJ

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So sorry for what you and your family are going through. Enjoy the trip. Lots of hugs and love

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Oh Honey,
May God give you His grace. You sound so positive, and I know your family will cherish these days with you, having as much fun as possible.
We will remember you, here, for you have become friend and sister to us all.
Much love to you and your family.
We care about them, too.
LauraW

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Leanna, You are so strong and despite everything you know what's most important. I hope I have the courage to walk away from treatment and live life to the fullest when it's time. You are truly an inspiration. Bless you and your family. Love, Julie

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Oh child, you are younger than my daughter and you have braved so much to fight this demon and live for your family. I can't tell you how impressed I am with your plans to live each day to the fullest and continue "Making Memories" with your family and friends.

I can only imagine how exhausted you must be; now is the time for you to rest. I hope I can be as courageous as you. I read all your posts and all I could think was how does she go on? You must have incredible faith and hope and love. Your beautiful smile continues to inspire us all. Please keep in touch. I wish there was something I could do...

maryk

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Velcro
You are so young and this dam disease is so unfair. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family, go to vegas and have the time of your life. You are truly an inspiration, God bless you.


FlowerOfLife

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Velcro - I admire your conviction, especially in the face of what we know will happen to us all, eventually. I am glad you are having vacations and memory-building time. Best to you; wishing you pain-free days to enjoy!!

Shelli

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Leanna, you have inspired me to take action! We need to demand more research on breast cancer metastases and I need to do it while I still can! This group of women inspires me so much. We are all too young to be facing death - we should be here to raise our children! Have the best trip ever and you deserve to win big in Vegas!!!! Julie

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Leanna - the grace you are showing under tremendous fire brings tears to my eyes. You are my hero. Enjoy Vegas. Miracles happen and I am praying for you.

Hugs, Jennifer

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Thanks for sharing with us.....your strong and beautiful spirit shines over this cyber world. I wish you peace and comfort and much love. lisa

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Oh Leanna,
I'm so sorry it has come to this. You are so inspiring. I am keeping you in my prayers. Have a fabulous time in Vegas and keep us posted.
Hugs,
Edwina

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Leanna, this is definitely the hard part of the journey and you ARE facing it with grace. I can only hope that I will be half as brave as you when I get there. You are such an inspiration to all of us and I am honored to be considered one of your "sisters."

You will be in my thoughts. XOXO

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Leanna,

You are such an amazing person and I am full of admiration at your grace and courage.

I wish you joy as you work through that bucket list and build up the memory bank and will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Angela xx

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Leanna,
They say only the good die young...you must be one of God's angels!!!
I love how you are so calm and at peace with what is happening. May you be surrounded by love and laughter in the following months.
Hope you have a wonderful time at Vegas.
I was at a friends funereal last year and the priest told us not to be sad!!!Which was a surprise.
He said "she hasn't left us...she has just gone before us!!" It is true after all...we will all cross over eventually.
It gave me some peace ...I now have quite a few friends on the other side, so I too, don't feel so frightened.
In some way, I am actually looking forward to catching up with them!!!
The sadness is for those left behind but if we accept that they will join us it doesn't seem so scary.
May God bless you and surround you with love. You are in our hearts and prayers
Jo

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My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are one amazing woman.

Take care and cyberhugs
Sue

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I sit here in tears after reading this posting......
Your words will forever be in my heart....
Wish I could just read through this computer screen and hug you...

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Leanna, I've been thinking of you a lot these past weeks and months. Your courage is an inspiration to me and to us, and your deep love for your family shines through each and every one of your words. Please know that as much as possible, we are here by your side.

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