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RESENTMENT vs GUILT

Rj
  • By Rj
  • Posted October 2, 2008 at 6:22 pm · 51 replies
  • Shared with the public
5 Recommendations

I just stopped myself from replying to a post regarding caregiver resentment for cancer patients, and it's acceptance! I feel this is a 'open wound' subject that 'we' should discuss with a broad range of members .

I sincerely hope that the patient NEVER thinks, feels or is informed of such resentment. The post and/or replies also mentioned resentment as a result of the patients who bring this cancer onto themselves!!!

I certainly hope no caregiver, family member or friend of this patient is unaware of exactly how this patient would feel if they heard such a statement, "it's normal to feel resentment when you are caring for a cancer
patient "

Have, those of you that think it is normal or acceptable to feel resentment for the cancer patient they are taking care of, ever thought how much, in lieu of a more descriptive word, "guilt" we cancer patients may feel for 'forcing', you the caregiver, friend or family member, to take care of us?

I, for one am appalled, that any 'loved one' would resent and/or blame a cancer patient for
'forcing' others to act as caregivers.

In my 55 years I have been both the caregiver and the cared for. I can definitively say, the caregiver role is the most desirable of the two!!!

If we perpetuate any form of justification, how can we wonder why society thinks we deserve cancer? You may have a choice to be a caregiver. But, I can't let you think any one chooses cancer.
I look forward to your comments and/or arguments to the contrary.
Rj.

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

Cancer Surgery Hodgkin's lymphoma Falls Lymphedema Gastroparesis Morphine Chemotherapy Stress Familial polyposis Anemia Pain Memory Bone cancer Lung cancer Depression

51 replies

Highlander38

Since I Been diagnosed HIV Pos 7 Years ago in 2002, My Whole Family and So called friends have - given me a wide birth ..lol :0) as if I care... HIV is becoming more acceptable throughout the NON-JUDGEMENTAL Mentalities and also the NON-IGNORANT Mentalities in the world. I'm a Hetro sexual but I'm from a small town, and news travels Fast.... My Sister refuses to speak to me, and my old man too... together with other members - apart from my Mother who is the only one who speaks to me regular...

Im on a new Combination therapy, Darunavir, TMC125, Epivir (3TC), NOVIR, (Ratonavir booster)

I left my home 7 years ago and live in Edinburgh, UK, here at least I'm getting support I would otherwise not get.!

The only thing I fear is getting sick, who will or who could, or would look after me... no-one, I would have to move into residential care, which is just like being institutionalized - in these places staff walk around and treat you like s**t.. they get paid, but often resent the folks they are employed to look after.... very unprofessional attitude to work... "but its state run" so you can expect much...

I'm at present am glad to be independent, with my own home, and all mod cons, everything I need to get me by... Which I thank God for.! - this website, I've just joined so PLEASE, ANYONE WITH HIV - ADD ME AS A FRIEND, AFTER YOU HAVE LOOKED AT MY PROFILE.

I could do with a few more friends to add to my list, easygoing, non-judgemental and sense of humour a must...

ronnieandjanet

I have been away from my home and my husband for 4 months now. I have quit both of the little piddly jobs that I had. They didn't make me any money, but they kept me busy after "empty nesting". I have not gone to church in 4 months. I have not had my own life in 4 months. I love my mom with all my heart. I am not sure how I will live without her. She is my best friend and I am watching her slip away day by day. I will continue to pray everyday that God will take away this nasty disease from her body and make her whole again. I will stay here as long as I have to to take care of her and spend every last little moment that I can with her.
I AM RESENTFUL! I AM MAD! THIS IS NOT FAIR! I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING RESENTFUL AND MAD! And NO ONE on this forum should listen to ANYONE that tells them it is wrong to be resentful or mad.

Toddy

Well said Debra, this disease is a two sided coin with devastating effects on all it touches.

My husband and I are both LC patients, which means we are also both LC caregivers to one another. We have also both been cancer caregivers to more than one immediate family member during the past ten years. It's not easy.

It hurts to my soul to read some posts and I wonder if I should just shoot myself now or wait awhile until I'm no longer NED. I don't want my loved ones to endure the physical/emotional pain of the difficult caregiver job. I don't want to see resentment in their eyes or the quilt that they might feel because they feel that resentment.

Today I'm careful about the posts I read realizing that people, myself included, tend to forget that both patients and caregivers read these posts. I don't have a clue how to ask for discernment when posting, we all need to be able to get out the frustration. I guess where and when is the question?

peyz33

rj - let's face it - it sucks to be in eather boat....what's to discuss.....
Karen

debra1

I can not believe that this discussion has come back to life. I left it alone the first time and now I will respond. All I can say as the person with cancer and having others care for you, it hurts so deeply to hear a caregiver make a remark that shows how hard it is for them.....Like, "I am so exhausted and I am so stressed, I need a break.....I have two children to take care of and now I have to take care of my mother" These comments were not for me to hear but I did. They made me feel more and more guilty......and when I needed help .....I would not ask.....I did many things I should not have done like driving because of guilt of asking someone to help me. I agree that everyone should have a voice here but sometimes it is hard to relate to the caregiver negative comments because you relate them to your own loved ones. Let it be their resentment, guilt or pain, it makes you think of your own caregivers and you want to help them avoid those feelings....... I assume that caregivers would not want their loved ones with Cancer to read their negative posts. But those of us with cancer, read how some caregivers feel negative, pause and wonder if our caregivers could feel that way. It is a fine line. Thats it! PS-I understand the posts about cranky old survivors that are Mean...I would resent that also.

UAMS

My husband is 57 and was diagnosed at the age of 51. He was a smoker. I think smoking is an addiction - he tried many, many times to quit - occasionally succeeded but would relapse. He did not ask to get cancer. I love him deeply but he was not an easy person to live with before the cancer and that intensified after the cancer, multiple treatments and mets to the brain. I do get frustrated. But that doesn't mean I don't love my husband with all my heart. The times I have shown my frustration to him I ask for forgiveness as he also has asked for forgiveness when he has been angry and it becomes directed at those he loves. We are all human - not superhuman. The best we can do is to love one another and to forgive.

NGK51

I work on a floor that cares for cancer pts in a hospital. I have seen every kind of emotion and feeling from both patients, their friends, families , etc. One thing I have seen, is that no two people handle things alike. I am so greatful for my belief in GOD; and the strength I gain from him because there are times I don't understand some of what I see and I just ask for his guidance in those situations. The closer you are to a situation the easier it is to see it as a "burden" or "invasion" and that is when each of us has to step up and help out the one who is struggling whether it be the pt, the caregiver, the friend, the loved one, etc.
Some people are better able to be totally "selfless" than others. It is really important to offer an afternoon or 30 minutes reprieve to those who take care of the extremely ill just so they can regroup themselves. Soemtimes you may have to even force them to take what you are offering, but please don't ever hesitate to do exaactly that if you truly wish to help out. One thing they teach us is that there are 5 steps to dying; Anger, Denial, Resentment, Acceptance, and Disbelief EVERYONE goes through all the steps but not in any certain order. It applies to the loved ones as well as the victim.

Rj

Thank you kmarinap,

I am very sad for your loss. I sincerely believe, loosing your mother is the worst thing one ever experiences. I suppose we will always wonder if we 'did enough' but I don't think we will ever stop missing them.

You are one of few that read and understood my j-post. Contrary to some on this site. (clearly didn't read or understand what I wrote) I know "caregivers need to vent". I wrote that I hope you NEVER do it in the presence or within hearing distance of the one your taking care of. Please read on. Some here have shared their devastation of spirit and life when they experienced it. I'm glad I can only imagine how I would feel.
Rj.

piglet

i guess that the initial shock of diagnosis, is enough to unbalance all the normal everyday feelings we are so used and comfortable of having. this illness and the sheer terror surrounding it opens up vast depths of feelings that i guess most of us hoped we would never have to discover. most of us are just normal,bog standard people, not super heros or mother theresas. situations like ours stretch us all to our limits, and we find ourselves doing and saying the strangest things not out of hate or malice but just panic. maybe we have all seen to many hollywood films, were we expect everything to be similar to there scenarios, but it never is. seeing people you love suffer is a terrible thing, but seeing people you love be scared is the worst. resentment is a strange word, its neither here or there, in the vast spectrum of things it actually means nothing. i love this site, i agree that we all need somewhere to vent our feelings, but ultimately, i believe that if someone can feel free to mention resentment then they dont feel it at all, i think they just got the wrong word, and by writing to this site it shows just how much they really care.

kmarienap

Hello again! I was the caregiver for my mother-lung, bone cancer. Although I knew that she didn't want to be a burden to me, even though she was dying, I had the best time with her and have wonderful and humorous memories of that time! Being a caregiver gives you an opportunity to get to know each other in ways you didn't before. The only hard thing for me was watching her suffer as she described the bone pain as like being on fire and that your skeleton feels like it is crumbling. She had morphine but the break through pain was bad. I always needed her my entire life and she was more than there for me-always! Actually she moved to Florida and I followed-lol! The least I could do for her was be there for the worst time of her life. I do not understand caregivers who feel differently as then they should not be a caregiver. It only makes it harder on the patient which cancer patients already have a full plate! Caregivers have feelings too and some are probably scared where as hard as it may be to believe, some are very self centered and selfish. I hope this doesnt offend anyone as I am just telling it as I have seen from experience.

risliz1218

I think personally, there is VENTING and there is RESENTING. The two are different in so many ways. Yes, I am a mom of twins with a full time job, going to school, and taking care of my mom. We ALL have stresses in our lives. But you know what? My mom took care of me for more than 18 years, and continues through all this to be a wonderful mom and grandmom and I will happily give back. That is the least I can do.

Rj

Dear Hope4dad,

I will always wish I had one more day too!
I hope you can forget the suffering. I haven't been able to yet, but, I'm always working on it.
Rj.

Toddy

RJ,

I appreciate your post, I too have restrained. I am both LC patient and caregiver to my husband a three time cancer patient, the latest being LC. Intimately knowing both rolls I believe being the patient is the easier task, but I will take being the caregiver any time. I want every second I can have with my husband well or ill. Something about, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health..” No one said I would go through life exactly as I wanted, doing exactly what I wanted when I wanted or that it would be easy. Guess desending from hearty farm stock we just do the best we can with what were given.

My daughters have both taken family leave act more than once to alternate being with one or the other of us during our past two years of surgeries, chemo, gamma knife, the list goes on. How grateful I am for their loving caring support and the help of our church family as well. I know without a doubt I couldn’t do this alone.

Speaking just for myself; being a caregiver is the more difficult roll of that there is no doubt. Forty eight years of marriage and two kids later there is no past history beyond the usual family, children, growing up stuff that might make care giving an additional burden. If the care is for a parent, child or loved one who has more than likely given so much; how could I in good conscience do other than give all I have. Sadly I know that’s not always the case for everyone.

As I type this I am two thousand miles from my home and husband taking care of my daughter who underwent surgery last Friday. It's difficult, don't know the lay of the land (kitchen, laundry, etc.), I don't want to interfere with family dynamics and the additional work hurts my back terribly........I do not resent it nor do I feel guilt for being on auto pilot I know I'm here to be on call. This is just what our family does for one another, and no, we are not the Cleavers or do we pretend to be.

Rj

Hi, pattyp1,
I agree, taking care of someone is: [(a) all of the above] especially our parents, to say the least . . .
And I'd do it all again! just to have another moment with them.

Sorry, can't continue, tears on my keyboard!
Rj.

Rj

Thanks, 2mmoma,
I like that 'you get it'. you have a beautiful looking family.I sincerely hope your inner beauty equates and can take care of each other forever!
Rj.

Rj

Hi, Bill & Cathy
Yes.
Sacred vows.
Honesty with Respect.

Thanks
Rj.

Rj

Dearest D1,
Thats a whole new box to open!
Although, I can't agree with your gender assignment. I have experienced enough to have seen your example. Personally, I would fall into the "died inside" category.

In fact I've already felt a large part of me 'dying' and wish, without logic, that I could wait and 'go' after he does. Perhaps because I've experienced so much as a caretaker, than this recent roll of patient. ???

Inanycase, Thank
you for your reply.
Rj.

Rj

by golly Skeptic I think you 'got it'
Rj.

Rj

You two sound like a great couple. It's nice to see others keep their sacred wedding vows, I hope the two of you live with the love you obviously have for each other, FOREVER!
Rj.

Rj

Hi Lorie,
When I cried in gratitude and appreciation to my partner, it was out of GG=good guilt.
My heart was so full of gratitude (another related 'G' word) I was amazed It felt as though I bled profusely with overwhelming love for him and will never forget what a great feeling that is, nor how much one loving individual can make such a huge difference!
count your blessings, You are very much loved!
Rj.

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