Join now

Already a member? Sign in

Welcome to Inspire!

What - Inspire is a place where you can connect with people who share your health concerns and find information and advice in groups sponsored by organizations you know and trust.

Why - As a member you can use Inspire to let friends and family know how you're doing, contact others who share your health concerns, receive personalized updates and information about participating in surveys and clinical trials, and more.

How - Joining Inspire is completely free and usually takes less than a minute. Join now!

corner corner corner

RESENTMENT vs GUILT

Rj
  • By Rj
  • Posted October 2, 2008 at 6:22 pm · 51 replies
  • Shared with the public
5 Recommendations

I just stopped myself from replying to a post regarding caregiver resentment for cancer patients, and it's acceptance! I feel this is a 'open wound' subject that 'we' should discuss with a broad range of members .

I sincerely hope that the patient NEVER thinks, feels or is informed of such resentment. The post and/or replies also mentioned resentment as a result of the patients who bring this cancer onto themselves!!!

I certainly hope no caregiver, family member or friend of this patient is unaware of exactly how this patient would feel if they heard such a statement, "it's normal to feel resentment when you are caring for a cancer
patient "

Have, those of you that think it is normal or acceptable to feel resentment for the cancer patient they are taking care of, ever thought how much, in lieu of a more descriptive word, "guilt" we cancer patients may feel for 'forcing', you the caregiver, friend or family member, to take care of us?

I, for one am appalled, that any 'loved one' would resent and/or blame a cancer patient for
'forcing' others to act as caregivers.

In my 55 years I have been both the caregiver and the cared for. I can definitively say, the caregiver role is the most desirable of the two!!!

If we perpetuate any form of justification, how can we wonder why society thinks we deserve cancer? You may have a choice to be a caregiver. But, I can't let you think any one chooses cancer.
I look forward to your comments and/or arguments to the contrary.
Rj.

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

Cancer Surgery Hodgkin's lymphoma Falls Lymphedema Gastroparesis Morphine Chemotherapy Stress Familial polyposis Anemia Pain Memory Bone cancer Lung cancer Depression

51 replies

D1

Rj,
For me, I would rather be the patient than the caregiver. I know the pain of being the patient is far worse. But, I don't want to live one day on this Earth without my husband. In fact, I don't plan, too. Luckily, he seems to be winning his battle with LC. However, were things to change for the worse, I would care for him, then find my own way to join him. I know that sounds unhealthy, emotionally, but it's just the way I feel. He is my life.
As for the resentment....I don't resent being caregiver, I take my vows seriously, in sickness and in health. However, it's more fun in health. I think people resent the cancer, not the patient. They mourn for the life they lost.
I used to do volunteer work for Hospice....all the widows were angry at their husbands for leaving them. I say widows because that's mostly who came for long term support. The men seemed much more able to regroup and move on. The women died inside.

Kerstin

RJ
YOU GO
I started to write a reply myself but got to mad and so very sad.
How could you resent a parent or loved one, when they need you most!!
God bless you
Kerstin

MOM20CATS

"all the widows were angry at their husbands for leaving them. I say widows because that's mostly who came for long term support. The men seemed much more able to regroup and move on. The women died inside."

Old but true saying: Women grieve but men replace.

pattyp1

I would give anything to be a caregiver to my daddy again - and I do view myself as a survivor now.

one thing I can say for sure is that lung cancer wears people out - and during the bone-numbing fatigue, things can be thought that don't accurately represent the situation. when I was getting up every two hours to give daddy his medicine or staying away to make sure he was breathing, my brain waves stopped for a while. I never ever once resented him, but was a little grousy on the sleep topic. I'd give everything I own to lose sleep for him again.....

in other words, it's time for us to be gentle towards people that need a little venting space....

hugs
pat

simplyklb

Rj,
Your post struck a nerve with me. This is a place for caregivers, family members, and patients to share.

According to you and some others, we caregivers are not allowed to voice our feelings. You know what? Cancer patients are not the only ones with feelings. Cancer impacts everyone not just the patient. I am glad that I have people in my life who care enough to ask about me and let me vent. I replied in the thread because I was having a difficult day.

If you have ever been in a caregiver role, you would understand. I care for not just one parent but two parents who both happen to have lung cancer. You know what? My mom told me a long time ago and I never believed her until now.... You don't understand how hard it is be a parent and watch your kid go thru a bunch of surgeries. I feel like a parent watching helplessly. It sucks that my dad is dying and that my mom's cancer did not respond to Carbo/Taxol/Avastin. The situation sucks! Everyone around me in the real world says it all the time.

Kristi

texaszan

One can love someone with their whole heart and soul and still resent the fact that their own life has been completely derailed. There is room in the human spirit for two conflicting emotions. I have RA and sometimes I can't drive or do things for myself. I know my teenage daughter loves me so I don't feel insulted if she sometimes seems a little irritated that she has to deal with my problems. Yes, she's young and that's to be expected, but even after we are fully grown and even if we are trying our best, we can sometimes, in a moment of frustration and despair, feel a twinge of resentment. It goes away as quickly as it came, but I defend anyone's right to feel it and express it. I'm sure most of us pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move on. It's called being human.

Marie400

Simplyklb - I agree with you. This site is for patients, caregivers, family members, friends to ask questions, encourage, discuss feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings.

Some people are more easily overwhelmed than others. Perhaps resentment wasn't the right word, but even if it was and that's how that person feels, so be it. We all need every bit of support we can get while we deal with this monstrous disease.

We know nobody asks for cancer. In the same vein nobody asks to be a family member of cancer. It's as devasting a diagnosis to us as it is to the patient. I don't know of a cancer reaction rule book. We don't know how we're supposed to act so we do the best we can.

hopefuldaughter

I read the string you are talking about and all I read was sadness, frustration, depression and anger. Not blame, not true resentment. Not at all directed at any patient, but all addressing the horrible range of emotions that people are going through as caregivers.

I agree with other posters. We all need support. No one wins here. NO ONE. We are all changed forever by this process. Sure, there are things gained - time with loved ones, new memories, new perspectives, knowledge. But really most of us would trade it for the life we knew.

I am scared and don't want to get out of bed most days, and I'm not even the patient or the primary caregiver. I feel guilty that by going to work every day and maybe to see firends on the weekend and not being at my childhood full time home makes me somehow selfish or weak. Does that make me a bad person? Probably not, but I feel guilty. I say this because it's just another example of how everyone is affected by this disease. Sigh....

skeptic

as a Stage IV nsclc patient........I am so very grateful for my boyfriend of almost 10 years. i truely believe I would have died during the past 12 months were it not for his patience and care. I wanted to give up more then once and he was the rock in my life. But I KNOW I must have been a real test for him and since I know that and I know how I can be........I wouldn't be suprised to learn that care givers might "resent" or have ANY of a wild range of emotions, just because of the tole that being the caregiver must take on them. They devote their lives to OUR LIVES, I can't imagine a tougher challange.
Patients.................YOU/We get to feel how ever we feel. It's our lives on the line.
Caregivers............bless you....thank you....and you get to feel however you feel because you have put your lives on hold for us.....did I remember to say thank you?

skeptic

Kristi,
thank you for being honest. you are right.....patients aren't the only ones with feeling....only YOU know your personal situation.....you have the right to feel however and you are in the right place to voice and vent and whatever else it takes to help you move forward during all this. Your situation sounds like you could use a sounding board and friends that don't judge, accept and try to support.
You are among some of those friends.
Stay strong

BBella

Very simple put my sister and I considered it an honor and a privilege to have been my Dads caregivers.To be able to be there and take care, to love somebody that means the world to you through the toughest days. We felt this way even beore we lost him.
We thought it was our gift to him turns out it was probably his final gift to us. We would do it all over again given the chance.
I would give anything to still be able to take care of him. We lost him, but we lost him knowing we couldnt have done anything more than we did.

texaszan

Beautifully said BBella. I'm sorry for your loss.

grannylunatic

I am lucky in the caregiver department. I think I will be anyway. I have talked to my daughter about the possibility assisted living down the road if they can't stop the progression of my disease. She said that's fine she may need someone to live with down the road also when her 2 sons move out for financial reasons. I hope neither of us HAS to room together but choose to share a house. I know I am a burden on my 76 year old father who takes me to my treatments every 3 weeks even though my 50 year old brother does the driving. I need to find an alternative besides taking cabs with all the appointments & treatments I have. I haven't really felt any resentment when i need help with housework or a ride to the store YET. My main problem is being one of the rich poor. LOL Just enough coming in I can't get foodstamps but poor enough for HUD. At least I'll have a roof over my head if nothing else.

grannylunatic

Had to add a PS to my other reply. My son in law had lung cancer and my daughter never complained about anything she had to do for him. He passed 2 years ago and she still says she'd rather have him here no matter how much extra she would have to do.

kmarienap

I lost both my parents to cancer and lost my son. I now have ovca. I am 53yrs. old and would give anything to have them all back to take care of again.

djwaz184

We're all allowed feelings. I was a caregiver to my mom for 9 years while she battled cancer. I must admit, I did have a few feelings in there that were more out of frustration because I was doing all of it on my own, no help at all. My then husband was of no help and left the house 90% of the time, at which time he also found a new woman too. I love my mom with all my heart, there were days I was extremely frustrated and needed to vent. There was one time that I got her all comfy on her favorite chair to run up to the grocery store, a block away. In that time she decided she was hungry and got to the microwave to fix herself a hot dog. Instead of 30 seconds, she put it on for 3 minutes, then went back to her chair and fell asleep. I never knew a hot dog could do so much damage in 3 minutes! The microwave was burning on the inside and the stench nearly unbearable. I'm lucky my house didn't burn down.

Now, as a patient. I'll definately say that I'd rather be a caregiver. But after being in both roles, it is extremely tough to hear resentment in a caregivers voice. I'm very glad I never got upset with my mother and I'm certainly glad I never voiced my frustrations to her directly. I know it would have brought her down in her spirits. As a patient, my spirit is what keeps me moving forward with at the very least a half-smile. If my primary caregiver ever voiced his resentment or frustration over caring for me, it would devastate me and my spirit would be gone. He's been my rock, my shoulder to cry on.

I don't know the tread in which is spoken here that upset the original poster, but yes, I agree, caregivers have frustration too and need to vent, I'm glad they chose a board rather than the patient tho. Taking care of a parent or in this case for this person, 2 parents is extremely tough to watch. I can't imagine the pain that the caregiver has in their heart watching both at once.

rdeegee

I am not a care giver but a patient and I certainly haven't seen any resentment. My husband has been doing his chores and mine and never complains but I know and feel just how worn out he really is. I hate that our life has become a trip to the doctor or the lab or for some test or scan at least 2 or 3 times every week ....Occasionally I encourage him to go shopping for something just so that he can get out and about on his own or better said...away from me and the disease that I represent. I know that he enjoys it as he plays on the cell phone calling friends and our children. He certainly could easily have resentments because he is a type a personality....I just had my first chemo treatment and so far so good but I can tell you that if I have to stay in bed tomorrow or get up and make breakfast to prove to him that I am fit as a fiddle, I will because we have a hobby day that is always held this weekend and even though I can't go, I will make sure that he does...

I, however, feel guilty as heck that I have forced this roll on him. This isn't the first time he has had to put his activities on hold to help me and it is really hard to know that I have taken away a large amount of his time and energy. He says often, if I could change places I would...I know he would but I am so glad that he can't. We have been retired for 4 years and I was so hoping and praying that we could have a few good years to enjoy our last years. I have stage 111A adenocarcinoma and have had a large cancer removed ...well I had the upper and middle lobe of my right lung removed and I don't know what the future holds for me ...but I pray that if I don't make it, that he will manage to enjoy those years that I prayed for and I even pray that he will find some one to share them with if I pass.

cronicX4

The old saying, 'Hate the sin, not the sinner,' can be used here by saying, 'Hate the disease, not the patient or caregiver.' So many want someone to blame, they are tired, scared and resent what the disease is doing to them, be it patient ,caregiver, family member or friend. Some feel resentment because they are left alone here and some feel it because they can't control it. It's that way with all diseases that change our way of life. My mother had lung cancer, I hated the cancer, I still love my mother. I was upset she left us, but rejoiced she was in pain no longer. I don't have cancer, but I am limited with my diseases as to what I can do. My husband does his part and a big part of mine. Some days he does it all, but he never complains. I agree this is where we all should have the freedom to vent, to praise and to support. Most of all to pray for those that we can. God bless you all.

2mmama

I was a caregiver for Mom who died almost 2 months ago from lung cancer. When I was a child I began my quest to get her to stop smoking. I KNEW this would be my reality someday. I prayed, cried and worried until almost a year ago she had a massive seizure as was diagnosed! I DO resent that she left me this soon. Did I ever tell her that or make her feel bad...NO. We certainly don't resent the person but perhaps their choices, the ciggarettes, the cancer......I would give ANYTHING to have my Mom back!!

jerseydebbie

Bravo to you.

I scanned that post, and decided as well not to post. No specific reason, just didn't.

My husband and I discussed this somewhat after one of his so-called friends told my husband it was his fault for smoking, and since he had smoked, he deserved it. Upon hearing this, I was irate and ready to go for the jugular.

I wish my husband had quit smoking also. I had asked for years. Now he does too, but what is done is done. My husband didn't ask nor deserve to have cancer. When he was growing up, there were no reports on the danger of cigarettes. It was widely abused, along with drinking. In the 50's it was cool to smoke, have a pack of Marlboro's rolled up in your sleeve, and a cigarette tucked behind your ear. They were even handing cigarettes out to GI's as part of their ration pack.

My husband has a history of cancer in his family. His mother passed at age 38, and she neither smoked nor drank.

You don't ask to get cancer, and you don't have to be a smoker to get it either.

I gave my husband nothing but love and support. I cared for him when he was down, attended every doctor appointment, took him to treatments when he could not drive, sat through countless hours of waiting while he endured outpatient diagnostic testing, and surgery. During his 10 days in the hospital, I was there twice a day, often leaving after 8 p.m. There is nothing I would not have done for him, and it was out love. No resentment, no guilt.

I refused to lose the fight as well as he. With everything behind us, and a great prognosis, it was worth every single second and I would do it all over again if I had too.

Add to the discussion

Don't have an Inspire account? Join now!

Forgot password?

You