"What can I do for you?"

After my mastectomy, everyone asked the above question. I decided that to say "nothing" was not only a wrong answer but also deprived people of being blessed by helping to take care of me. So I decided that if anyone asked, I would think of something they could do. It was very humbling. It seemed simple enough to tell a friend she could change my bed sheets, but while she was actually in my bedroom doing it, I felt surprisingly uncomfortable. In response to another offer, I asked a friend to wash and dry my hair - because I couldn't lift my arm. When my husband had to go out of town, I asked someone to come while I took a shower by myself for the first time - just in case I got into trouble. Someone else picked me up and took me out to get a haircut. Another friend sat through chemo with me a couple of times, which gave my husband a break. These are all very personal things. And being allowed to care for someone in such a personal way is a real blessing - to both people. I have also learned that asking is most helpful when it is specific. "May I bring dinner?" or "May I take your children to school for you?" or "May I drive you to the doctor?" So I post this entry to encourage the one in need - if someone asks "what can I do for you?", give her something to do! Also, if you are the encourager, think of specific ways you can help that may be awkward for your needy friend to ask for. We're all in this together, and at some point we're all on both sides of this...needing and meeting needs. We can't do it alone. I'm so grateful that I didn't have to...and that I still don't have to now that I'm living with a chronic illness.

By Tewa
Posted March 20, 2009 at 9:11 am
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Hi Luke 747,
What a wonderful post. These are great suggestions and seem so practical that it's a wonder we have to be told them! Here's the thing - in order to suggest a "help" or "aid" that is specific - you have to actually think about the person, their illness and what they might need...it really doesn't take much time but we are all so frazzled that even the simplest - common sense things seem overwhelming. I also have several chronic conditions but I also know people that I CAN help out as well. Your post has helped me two ways - in asking for help and in offering it to others. Thanks large and hope your day is a blessed and happy one.
Tewa

By Gooselark
Posted March 20, 2009 at 1:31 pm
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Great ideas, Luke747!
My girlfriend was going through a tough time caring for her daughter who suffered a brain bleed and surgery. Some aquaintances set up a web page :
http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/
It allowed my friend to suggest ways people could help her and invited guests to the website could select items that they were able to provide. This prevented duplication of work (like getting a ton of food/meals) and got her the specific help she needed. There are many things people would never have thought of but were willing to do - like entertain her son, who became stressed spending too much at the hospital worrying about his twin sister. It also was a way to keep people updated about her daughter's condition without having to talk to a zillion people on the phone and repeat the same info over & over.

My friend initially felt uncomfortable, but came to realize (like you did) that people really want to help in any way they can. Let them!

Thanks again for bringing this to people's attention.

By Luke747
Posted March 21, 2009 at 9:24 pm
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Wow, Tewa...thanks for your reply. I credit my Dad with giving me a heart for helping people. He was a mechanic, and whenever - I mean whenever - someone was stranded on the side of the road, he stopped to help them. (That was way before cell phones!) He would never let me get out of the car, but I would peer through our car window and watch him work until the person was back on the road. I believe all those years of watching him showed me how easy it is to "see" that someone needs help and how easy it is to just offer whatever I can do. When I was 16 and got my driver's license, I stopped to help stranded motorists, too. Cell phones have pretty much eliminated this dilemma, though.

We are in such a fast-paced, self-sufficient world, it's easy to look past each other and forget that we need each other. No matter how great technology is, it can never replace good old-fashioned love!

By Luke747
Posted March 21, 2009 at 9:28 pm
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Hey, Gooselark, I checked out that website about helping hands. You made me remember that a few years ago my sister in California was in the hospital and we found a similar thing online that helped family in many states connect in one place. And when my sister got better, she was able to go to the site and read all the good wishes for her, too. That kind of technology really helps keep the love organized!

By TexasAngel
Posted March 21, 2009 at 11:29 pm
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Luke747,

Thank you so much for your post. Accepting help is so difficult. Acknowleding the fact that you actually need help is hard and humbling. It is a work in progress for me and I really appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement.

By Teresa56
Posted March 22, 2009 at 9:15 am
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You are so very wise... I thought for a moment my Mom had written your note...you sounded so much like her. My Mom was the type that always helped others, visited the shut ins from chruch, cooked for the sick, gave rides to appointments to others and so on. When she started suffering side effects from chemo and people would ask if she needed anything she always said No. My sister who lived closet to her was having to do everything because I live almost 3 hours away. I would go on weekends and finally I told her that she was not being fair to her friends. They wanted so much to help her and I told her it was time for her to accept their offers. They made a schedule and a different lady would cook dinner for my Mom each nite the weeks after chemo until she regained back her strength. It worked out so well for everyone involved and Mom learned to enjoy receiving instead of always giving. Us girls (daughters) got to hear"ya'll were right"...yehawww! Oh how I miss my Momma. God Bless and keep you! Huggs, Teresa

By Luke747
Posted March 25, 2009 at 1:18 am
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Dear Texas Angel and Teresa56 ~ Thank you for YOUR encouragement! These life adjustments can be so difficult, because you just want to keep doing what you've been doing all your life, but something comes along and puts a screeching halt to it. So we modify and figure out how to make life work. And part of that huge change in thinking is allowing help in, allowing people in, allowing them the joy of helping us. Allowing them the joy that we have felt many times as we have helped others. Thanks for the affirmation! We can be slow learners every now and then. :o)

By llj
Posted March 26, 2009 at 12:19 am
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many, many years ago my girlfriend was sort of alone in a sea of people. my own son had gone home to be with the Lord about the same time... she had adopted twin boys, then4 year olds, one with cerebral palsy, epilepsy, & multiple complex seizure syndrome (hope I got that right). People were afraid to come over and help, afraid to get in the way. Me, too. I thought... what if he has a seizure and I don't know what to do and make matters worse. But she was my girlfriend. So I dived in. We ordered her and her husband out one night to go out to dinner or the movie or whatever. We'd babysit. I'd come over twice a week and help clean, help do laundry, whatever was needed. I went with her to doctor appts., someone to help manage the boys as we trekked through the hospital hallways, someone to listen to my dear girlfriend's fears, worries, etc., someone to share soggy french fries with. Although a sad period in both of our lives, it was truly one of the richest periods of my life. It was the most wonderful privilege and blessed me so very, very much.

Last year, one of my girlfriends, frantic because she hadn't heard all the details about my ovca and worried sick, said (after I told all), "what can I do?" I remembered that to deny someone else the opportunity to help is to deny them the blessing and I told her, "leftovers would be nice sometimes. I don't much feel like eating, though..." My friend mobilized all the teachers in my dept. and meals began arriving from that weekend until I finished chemo and came back to work. Through the summer, teachers kept me up to date on the changeover in administration, new rules, new teachers, gossip, lesson plans, etc. I am so indebted to my wonderful friends for caring for me -- I was utterly spoiled and I know my friends have had a big hand in helping me heal.

By Godsgurl
Posted March 30, 2009 at 5:07 pm
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you have truly inspired my...as a woman that suffer from depression it is so hard to even express your self...hats off to u gurlfriend and i will continue to pray for you.....remember: HE WAS WOUNDED FOR OUR TRANGRESSIONS HE WAS BRUISED FOR OUR UNIQUITIES. THE CHASTISEMENT OF OUR PEACE WAS UPON HIM AND BY HIS STRIPES WE ARE HEALED...since you have shared your story i would like to share mine with u.. go to..kingskid.myblogsite.com and enjoy

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