People mean well. They really do! When chemotherapy made me look like a boy, it was just a wee bit troubling. When my husband first set his eyes on me after the inevitable haircut, the love in them set me at ease immediately. But the point of this entry is all of the "at leasts" I heard during my cancer treatment. They were coming from people who never had cancer, who had never lost any of their hair, who still had both breasts. Since then, I have tried very hard to never start a sentence with "at least." Especially if someone is sharing her heart with me and is struggling. It isn't helpful to say "at least..." A friend and I have teased about writing a book - things NOT to say to people going through cancer. I'm sure many of you have heard things NOT to say - no matter what your illness or situation. It may be helpful to share them with each other so that we can all learn from them...
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"At least you didn't lose all your hair"
- By Luke747
- Posted March 20, 2009 at 1:02 am · 11 replies
- Shared with the public
Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:
Cancer Chemotherapy Surgery Scoliosis Hysterectomy Muscular dystrophy Breast cancer Ovarian cancer
11 replies
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- By momanderson920
- Posted March 20, 2009 at 7:34 am
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Oh yes, I have my list. I have had an easier time dealing with the people who try to be comforting even if they say the wrong thing than those who dismiss my illness and act like I just got over a case of strep throat or those who try to compare my illness with surgery, chemo, etc. to their gall bladder surgery or normal hysterectomy. And then there are those who don't even seem concerned at all and believe it or not, I have experienced those people too and it isn't because they don't know what to say or are uncomfortable. I recently had someone who I won't mention since this is public, change the subject to something that affected them that was not life threatening, and completely NOT react or show concern when I mentioned in conversation the kidney failure I went through after my cancer surgery. This person even tried to compete with me by saying that their spouse had had a postop infection. There are all kinds of insensitive self centered people out there. I am never amazed anymore. Though the people you mention bother me since it is ridiculous to tell someone with a terminal diagnosis who has been through and is going through a living hell "at least you didn't lose your hair" or some such thing, especially when they have no clue of how horrible our situation is since they have not been through anything close, the people who don't seem to care at all since they are too selfish are worse. One I can add is my daughter's college apt. roommate who is a very selfish little witch who when my daughter first came back after my cancer surgery and was still in shock and sadness over finding out that her mother at her young age of 21 might die of late stage ovarian cancer and was sharing it in tears with her roommates, showed no sympathy, shared no words of consolation and changed the subject to something about herself. And it wasn't because she was uncomfortable but because my daughter was receiving attention from the other two roommates. She actually resented the attention my daughter was receiving. But I will add, for all those people there are far more who are kind, sympathetic, helpful, and like real angels so it more than makes up for the jerks out there and the people who say the wrong things. Still I know what you mean, even one of those insensitive people can really ruin your day. And it doesn't take much to do that in our situation.
- By bonn
- Posted March 20, 2009 at 10:47 am
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Dear Mom so sorry that these people offend you, they can be so mean...Most of the time people have been kind of me or at least considerate....I think we can tell most of the time who will or won't be comfortable with any discussion of our disease...If I have any unkind or rude remarks directed toward me, i CONSIDER the source it is coming from, then I picture them bald, and nausated and that usually will lift me up a little as I really don't like to think mean thoughts...Keep the faith Bonn
- By djwaz184
- Posted March 20, 2009 at 1:02 pm
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My most HATED saying is "God only gives you what you can handle". I swear, if someone says that to me one more time I'm going to lose my mind! Because pardon me, but I have enough on my plate without this insideous disease and having to go nearly bankrupt.
- By Gooselark
- Posted March 20, 2009 at 1:10 pm
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Another "What NOT to say......":
When my sister was adopting a baby 11 years ago, co-workers said things like "Aren't you afraid the birth mother will change her mind at the last minute?"
I love my sisters response. She said "When you were pregnant I didn't come up and ask "Aren't you afraid you might miscarry?"
So often people care and just express it backwards!
- By Dodie1
- Posted March 20, 2009 at 5:01 pm
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djwaz184, I agree with you about the "God only gives you what you can handle". I don't want anyone to get me wrong...I thank God every day that I'm able to take another breath.
But...when you're born with Limb-Girdle muscular dystrophy, and you've got Scoliosis so bad that there's no surgery possible, and then you're diagnosed with Stage IIIC OVCA & it turns into Stage IV. And you're so deep in debt from medical bills, it's just not funny anymore.
Take care & God Bless
- By valarie_times
- Posted March 21, 2009 at 10:27 am
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yes i had to tell people that when im venting i dont want or even need to be reminded of all the positives. sometimes i wanna hear "yes that sucks!"
not: "at least it is only stage 1c" "at least you only have chemo for 6 treatments" "at least you have a good support system" blah blah blah. yes im very happy about all those things but i still got the stupid cancer and have to go through stupid chemo. Overall im very happy but we all go through that sucks faze and need to hear it back. :)
- By Jennali
- Posted March 21, 2009 at 12:40 pm
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Oh, I agree! Like all of you, I am very, very grateful to even be alive. And yet, I am angry that I am now living with a disease that may or may not kill me, that my energy level isn't what I would like, that I an having to undergo chemo AGAIN, and that this cancer has changed my life forever.
Yeah, this sucks!!!!
- By Luke747
- Posted March 21, 2009 at 8:16 pm
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Oh, momanderson...people really don't know what they're saying. And that's part of the problem. Since they have no frame of reference at all, they can't empathize. I'm so sorry for your daughter...she definitely needs the attention of her friends to help her get through this, especially since she's away from you. My son was in his first year of college when I was diagnosed with cancer, and he said if he knew this was coming he wouldn't have gone away. I do pray your daughter will receive all the comfort she needs and that she will be surrounded by truly caring people, and by God who is the only One who can comfort us perfectly. The burden really is on us most of the time to be forgiving...people just have no idea what they're saying. Thankfully, those of us who have been through it have each other.
- By Luke747
- Posted March 21, 2009 at 8:48 pm
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Hey, everyone - I agree...to hear someone say, "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle" is not helpful. I have a very strong faith, but when I had barely finished chemo and then my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and then we discovered that my husband had a tumor in his ear, I about fell apart. (He was fine, by the way.) Also in that same year, my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. And of course, chemo itself had compromised my ability to cope with things. Someone told me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and all I could say was, "Well, I wish I couldn't handle so much, then!" Those words just don't cause someone to think, "Oh, okay, that makes me feel better."
That's not my God, though. He isn't looking down from heaven just heaping as much on us as we can take. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I know that's not true. (If you look at my "inspiration" story on my profile page, you'll read about my faith.) People who make that comment probably haven't faced much that would challenge how much they can actually take. If they have been pushed to the brink, they would never say that. By the grace of God, I have been able to kindly think, "I sure hope you don't ever go through this...", because I would not want their words to come back to bite them.
It is very true that God wants to and can ease our burdens and we need to give Him our fears and pain...but when someone makes a statement that suggests God will inflict me only with as much as I can take...it just doesn't help. Unless that person can go a step further and share exactly what God has done for her, then it's a whole different story. Maybe that's our gentle response -- to ask, "So, please tell me about the time when you were hit from all sides and didn't know which way was up..."
I'm so sorry for the additional hurt these things have caused you who are already hurting.
- By Luke747
- Posted March 21, 2009 at 8:53 pm
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Dear Valarie...yes, that sucks! Sometimes it just does...and we don't want people to fix anything. We just want them to hear us and understand. I hear you...
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