So alone

I guess it's just that no one likes to here when someone is not feeling well. I have tried to take with my family and close friends, but they seem to just shun me. At times they act like they cant hear me and just stay quiet. It feels so hard to be this alone. I had stopped crying over having CIN1 but now I'm so depressed. I guess if they don't hear about how tired I am or how I don't feel well on somedays it isn't real for them. But it is real and now I feel so alienated and alone. The only two people who listen is my husband to be and my oncol. I guess one knows who will stay in your life forever once you get sick or just don't feel well. I'm really down and I guess I just miss the conversations we used to have. Now I'm the last to know things and get "oh I know you didn't want to come so we didn't think we should mention it". So that is that. Not only do I have to try to get myself back on track and try to forget that I have CIN1 and just pray that it will go away and not progress, but with all the stress of everyday life and now battling depression I don't know how much more I can take.

By amw327
Posted October 4, 2008 at 9:45 pm
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Josie,

When I read your post, it pulled at my heart strings because I too struggled with this. When I was diagnosed with cin 3 and high risk hpv, not only did I not understand what it was but trying to get my family to understand my physical situation and emotional situation felt more difficult then the diagnosis itself. I was struggling for anybody to just "save" me, listen to me- prepare me, pretect me- anything- but they didn't get it. They didn't hear the doctors say "pre" cancer. they didn't hear the doctors say surgery, they didn't hear the doctors say- paps every 4 months or possible reoccurance or possible cancer in the future- so many unknowns- WHAT THEY HEARD was "you'll be fine" They love you but unless they have it- emotionally and mentally they don't get it and they won't. Come to this forum, this will be your saving grace for power, knowledge,patience,understanding and learning or just to vent!! EVERYTHING that your family wants to be there for but can't not because they don't love you but because they don't get it. I learned more from the women here then I ever thought I would, you have come to the right place. Stay Strong, Angela

By barbaray
Posted October 5, 2008 at 5:09 pm
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Josie--You might want to consider trying to find a support group whose meetings you could go to.

It's wonderful that your husband-to-be and that your oncologist offer good support--and certainly this Web site does--but consider trying to find even more sources. We all need to be "heard" in as many places as we find want to "hear" us.

Warm wishes and hopes from
Barbara

By littlemama
Posted October 6, 2008 at 8:19 am
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Josie26, I completely understand what you are going through. was diagnosed with CIN I in april and may need the LEEP procedure done. Mo mother avoslutely refuses to talk about it anytime I try she says " can't we talk about something else?" My 6 month app is this monday and I'm terrified they didn't remove everything in april and I may need they LEEP procedure. My boyfriend said that I worry too much and it will all be fine. It's an everyday struggle. I'm grateful they caught it so early, but yet I'm so furious I have it at all. To think you can get cancer from a stupid virus that you catch from having sex and statistically about 80% of sexually active ppl have it seems ridiculous. Allow me to be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone. I know how you feel. And we can go through i together... maybe it will be less terrifying somehow. You can sendme a personal message anytime you want or add e as a "friend"

By amiz1234
Posted October 6, 2008 at 8:24 am
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josie..
i also know how you feel i was diagnosed in march with cin1 and i am also going back for my 6month check up in nov and i feel alone sometimes also but just know you caught it early and there ppl on here who can help you tremendously!!! they helped me when i was scared out of my wits!! stay strong and feel free to talk to me anytime u need a friend to lean on!!

By Josie26
Posted October 6, 2008 at 9:44 am
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Thank you all soo much. I am greatful to find new "sisters" who can help me. Unfortunately I had a complete meltdown last night and everything just blew up sooo horribly that at one point I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to go on. I know how bad it was to hold it all in. Last night was the worst and I'm still recovering. But logging on today and reading what you guys have written to me, has pushed me to at least try to be who I used to be.

By flowershoplady
Posted October 6, 2008 at 9:57 am
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hi, josie. i would encourage you to get some help for the emotional issues you're experiencing. as much as the online support is great, sometimes we need to get a therapist to help us through the difficult times. i'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, and i hope things soon don't feel quite so overwhelming. sending gentle hugs....

By tammylynn100
Posted October 8, 2008 at 12:01 pm
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Hi. I am involved with a great organization of people that do understand what you are going through emotionally. I still feel like an alien sometimes and that people look at me strangely. It is a group of cancer patients and survivors under the age of 40 and we are all a big group of friends from all over that just plain get one another. www.imtooyoungforthis.org
check it out and hope this helps.

God bless you my friend.

Tammy

By Faith2
Posted October 10, 2008 at 12:31 am
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Dear Josie,

Do you have copies of your medical records and pathology reports? It is very important to have them so that you know exactly what level of dysplasia or cellular abnormality you are dealing with.

CIN I will often regress to normal on its own with no treatment. It is NOT cancer, so that is good news! It would be wise to find out if you are HPV+. You also would be wise to be diligent with Pap smears and exams regularly. Make sure your diet is rich in anti-oxidant foods - increase fruits/vegetables, take vit B w/folic acid, vit C, get plenty of rest, exercise and try yoga/meditation or prayer as this will help quiet and calm an active mind. A calmer mind means a calmer body which is exactly what is needed to help clear the mild abnormality. Surround yourself with positive people, too. Hang in there. Keeping you in my prayers.

By kthompson1982
Posted October 10, 2008 at 9:54 pm
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Josie,
I think everyonw will agree with me when I say I think we have all been where you are right now. My saving grace was getting away from an abusive relationship and finding a way to express everything I was going through. When I told my mom I had HPV, and what it was, I got that look of disgust. But since then I have made it my duty to not only educate myself, but her, and anyone else who will listen on HPV and what it can cause. The scars are way more than just physical, they are emotional as well, and we all have our own way of dealing with it. It is wonderful that your fiance is there for you, let him be there when you need him most. And your right, bottleing it all up is not healthy. I was ashamed at first of what I have, and then I got over that are started talking to my friends and found out that 4 of my friends have HPV, 2 have had a LEEP cone (what I had on tuesday) and what scared me was when one of my friends with HPV said she had not been back to the doctor in over a year. I made her call and make an appointment, I made her promise me she would never do that again. I have decided I will not be "shunned" by my friends, my family, my coworkers or even strangers. When I told my mom about the tattoo I will be getting, she asked me "Are you sure you want to display that you have a cancer caused by an STD?" I looked her straight in the eye and said "I will PROUDLY display it." Though mine has not moved to cancer yet, it is still pre-cancer, but she refers to it as my cancer, IDK, she's odd.
But take some time and find something to do that makes you smile, not only on the outside, but on the inside too, even if it's just coloring in a color book. After I had my first biopsy, one of my dearest friends bought us two of those HUGE color books and the biggest box of crayons she could find and we stayed up all night coloring, it made me forget to be nervous for a little while, and I felt refreshed, so go find your "color book".

By 2brooke7
Posted October 11, 2008 at 7:33 am
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I would get on the phone asap and ask your doc for some antidepressants. You don't have to take them long term but might help you an extra boost right now. Did you ever see the movie Almost Famous? If so, there's a scene when Penny is talking to the kid about feeling down. She says that whenever he's feeling down he should go to the record store and see his 'friends' (meaning records). So what I suggest you do is come here. This is a great place to lean on. Lots of wonderful women here that can and more importantly WILL respond to your worries.

Big Hugs,
Brooke

By BTM
Posted October 11, 2008 at 11:24 am
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Josie, I want you to know that I am hurting for and with you. I will pray for you and I thank God for you.
Thank God for your man who stands beside you.
I agree with all of the replies above. All the wonderful women here have empathy and love beyond words.
I know the fear and the frustration, too.
I break down at times and yet I have to be strong for my six children.
I encourage you to reach out here and embrace all the sisters who do know what it's like.
And don't be afraid to reach out and touch the hem of the garment of Jesus; He can heal you and give you the peace which passes all understanding.
I pray this for you~

By BTM
Posted October 11, 2008 at 11:38 am
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9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:10 NLT

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