About my Aunt Robin who passed of Ovarian Cancer

Growing up, my Aunt Robin was so very dear to me. In fact when I was a little girl I called her "other mother." As I grew older she truly became like a big sister (she was quite a bit younger than my mother). She lived with us several summers while she was in college. When I was 17 she was diagnosed with Stage III Ovarian Cancer. At the time she was 33 and had a 6 month old daughter. After a daunting and painful battle of 20 months she passed away at the age of 35 (when I was 19-a sophomore in college). She died when her little girl "Maria" was just two years old.

The two hardest things for me to have to deal with are the fact that I got to have my Aunt in my life, she shaped me in many ways-she taught me so many good lessons about life. I am truly a better person for having her in my life. But she had a very little chance to shape her daughter. To be there for her and show her her love. I can see now that her daughter is 11 that there are issues because she does not have her mother. I do as much as I can, but she lives 7 hours away. I like my Aunt's husband, but I really don't believe he's raising her in the way my Aunt wanted. It is completley unfair that I got her and her daughter didn't. I have a great deal of guilt about this.

I also have issues because I never got to say a true goodbye before she died. We didn't know she was actually dying during that hospital stay until about two days before. I was away at college and my parents tried to warn me. I wish I had skipped classes, gotten in my car and driven to where she was at (only 5 hours away) so I could have told her goodbye, how much I love her, and that I would always be there for her little girl-no matter what. (which I am and will be as long as I live). I've learned that she probably knew this, but the fact that I didn't get to say it to her really hurts. It makes closure very hard for me.

When my aunt died I cried at the funeral and grieved that way. But then I went back to college, pushed it to the back of my mind and jumped right back into being a college student. I did not go through the grieving process for my aunt. I was young, and I also think that somewhere in my subconscious I knew, or at least thought, I couldn't handle it.

When I was 24 and teaching I began to have panic attacks and depression. These are genetic in my family. I began taking medicine and did well again.
I was fine until about a year ago when I had a relapse. My medicines were changed and I also started going to counseling. Through counseling I realized that yes these are genetic and yes I have Chronic Fatigue adn Fibromyalgia which do not helpe. I may always need some medicine, but much of my depression and anxiety (obsessive, catastophic thoughts that all the good things in my life will be taken away somehow) were due to the fact that I never accepted my Aunt's passing.

Right now I am in the grieving processing. I am somewhere in between anger and acceptance. I go back and forth. I'm doing a lot of things to help me let go and say goodbye. One thing that has helped me a lot is sort of "counseling" on this website. I'm a teacher so often I have experience in "walking in other's shoes." Not only has it helped me tremendously to talk to others with Ovarian Cancer (to understand what my aunt went through better) it has helped me feel more fullfilled by just helping people, which I hope I'm doing. I plan to walk in a parade in a nearby city next September and I've signed petitions for Ovarian Cancer Awarness and more studies. I will continue pushing for more better treatments and research until this terrible disease is curable.

I am a Christian and understand that there is a greater plan in everyone's life. However, I do have questions for God about my Aunt. I'm not angry at him anymore, just inquisitive. And I know that until I join my Aunt Robin in heaven those question will probably never be answered. However, they are still there.

We can't stand up for every cause in the world, but this is one of a few I plan to be very active in. As many people say "There but for the Grace of God go I" We have a responsibility to help where we can, and I plan to do this. To those of you who read this, feel free to message me anytime and I will try to help you in any way I can. Even if it's just responding to "venting." I hope to one day learn how to become a true advocate and help fight insurance companies, help people find doctors, etc.

That's my story about my experience with Ovarian Cancer. My all of you overcome this disease and God Bless you all.