Dr. appointment all done. The big one grew about 1cm in both directions... so back to chemo. It isn't a huge disappointment. This is the first time I've had a break this long, so it isn't surprising there was new growth. The good news is the two little ones are still the same, and in a year I have had some growth, and some shrinkage... but no NEW tumors and no major growth that wasn't treatable.
I also had an epiphany regarding laying in bed and watching tv all day, and not doing anything.
I keep rallying everyone to fight this thing and kick cancer's ass. But I think a part of me just quit... slowed down... stopped... dying inside. I was scared by my port... didn't want to bump it or get hurt... I was convinced that I had to save energy and breath. I was afraid of living with cancer. I have been living dead.
I need to change that behavior... and now! NO MORE FEAR! I am going to change.
LETS KICK CANCERS ASS AND NOT DIE INSIDE WHILE WE STRIVE TO LIVE.
CHEMO BOY - EDDIE
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A MESSAGE FROM A FORMER ZOMBIE
- By EddieSD
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 2:09 pm · 29 replies
- Shared with the public
- Edited June 30, 2009 at 2:17 pm
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29 replies
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- By stage4survivor
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 2:27 pm
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Been in that neighborhood, too. Very scary place, the monsters almost got me, glad you found your way out.
G
- By sheilake
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 2:32 pm
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Yeah for epiphanies. Go get 'em, tiger!
Sheila
- By cuddles53
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 3:54 pm
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I have been there, and go back there quite often, I think it is just something that happens to us from time to time, the imortant thing is you recogize it for what it is, and are trying to do something about it, the real zombies, are the ones who never do anything about it.
God bless Sandy
- By brooklynda
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 4:17 pm
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Eddie: Get back out there and start swinging - like you always do!!! And kick cancer's ass - like you always do!!! My money is on YOU! Blessings! Brooklynda
- By Khari
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 7:25 pm
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Eddie,
I only wish my husband would have your revelation. He basically worries all the time that the other shoe will drop -- and soon.
I know I worry all the time, but at some point you gotta just live. I'm so glad you plan on doing just that. I'm going to show your post to my husband and maybe he will be inspired by you.
Way to go Eddie!
Khari
- By Isunique
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 8:44 pm
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Eddie
I think we all share in those thoughts to some degree. I have had a bad couple of years, my brother died, 5 months later my Father died, and then just 3 months later I was DX with lung cancer, had surgery and then opted out of the chemo. Staged 1b. Then just 3 months after returning to work I lost my job. So, I have found myself on my own little personal pity pot without a map on how to get off the blasted thing. Since being home I have put on the weight I had lost prior to my DX, not due to the cancer, I was really working at it. I have come to the thought that while we need to think about that "time", we need to live for the present with a glance to the future. So, I am doing things that don't cost a lot of cash and that I enjoy doing. I am working on losing that weight and trying to get fit. I know that I will still have that demon inside that I have to fight back from time to time, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will be okay. Take care and enjoy the moment.
Sarah
- By Mar24
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 8:50 pm
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Time to put on the boxing gloves and give it the ole one - two! I laid around for the first year and 1/2 and then I decided I had to keep moving so the cancer couldn't figure out what I was doing! Not that I don't enjoy a truly lazy day on the couch every Sunday or when I feel I need a mental break!
Keep on fighting!
Maribeth
- By lisalulu
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 1:37 am
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You can do it Eddie Kick Cancers Ass.. I pray you will be rid of the last little ones..
Hang in there I am praying for you,
no new ones is good news ..You have a lot to be thankful for..
Go Bless you
Lisa
- By erinroro
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 6:01 am
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Good job Eddie - You are back in the ring and ready to Kick the Beast's butt!! You go guy!!
Erin
- By claires
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:26 am
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You're right. Bed doesn't do it. It just adds another layer to the problem.It's too hot here to walk outside (Fl) and shingles has kept me from walking in the pool BUT we have an old ski machine that I used a few times a day. Oh, yes, my big achievement is 5 minutes legs, 3 minutes arms (but a few times a day.) Pitiful, but it'll get better. Keep going with anything you can think of!
- By linnea
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:35 am
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Eddie--glad to hear the attitude shift. I honestly think that exercise (and I don't mean pilates---but even just brisk walks--something aerobic) is key to survival with cancer. And--it makes you feel better and have more energy in general. Sport that port like it's a piece of jewelry! Take care, Linnea
- By peyz33
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:46 am
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Eddie - it hurts me so to hear that you feel this way - you are just like the rest of us - scared to death that this LC will kill us one day - I'm not surprised that more of us don't feel the way you do - but you do know that we love you and want you to fight like hell- yeah - i know how easy it is to be encouraging to others - I do it all the time - then I lay in bed at night and say - what the heck is God's plan - do i get to enjoy a year or two - or 10? Should I lay here in bed and wait for this crap to kill me? then my dog reminds me that LIFE GOES ON - and he has to pp - ahhh - reality - reminding me that no matter how crappy I amy be feeling - or how helpless I feel - the DOG NEEDS A WALK - and dammit - once I get out side people come to me and tell me how "fantastic" i look - and Karen - how do you feel? And "wow you beat this thing Girl" - and I think to myself - ya think? In my picket I keep those magic pills and I secretly break one in half and place it under my tounge to melt - pray it melts and gets to working fast - so I can maybe believe what they tell me - you my good friend are NOT ALONE in feeling destitude and scared and useless and wanting it to be just done - on the other hand - I look at Dave (Our Marine) and George (Stage4Survivor) and I say - damm - they are fighting like hell to beat this crap - and if I don't start to fight myself I will end up like my friend Harriet - waiting to die - I don't want to die Eddie - I want to LIVE and I want YOU to LIVE too. This sucks - I'm crying at my desk - Lord knows they will all now be asking me "what's wrong Karen?????????" - what's wrong - someone I care about is deciding to give up or not - is that enough of an explanation? I think so - Eddie FIGHT FOR ME - FIGHT FOR DAVE - FIGHT FOR DAN'S MOM - FIGHT FOR ALL OF US HERE WHO REALLY CAN'T FIGHT.....I love you
Karen
- By mare
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 9:15 am
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Eddie,
Just seeing the title of this post made me smile. Love the new attitude. Now, get on with the fighting.
Karen, Your thoughts and feelings ring true for me, too.
We must push to enjoy the good times or we are letting this monster have daily wins. Get out there everyday and win. No matter how small (sometimes it really is the little things that count) and enjoy life.
Mary
- By Chi-Dreamer
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 9:27 am
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Welcome Back Eddie,
Damn right you are going to kick ass. Hey I fall on the pity pot once in a while too but try to keep that at a minimum. There still is a beautiful world out there that I plan to see. With the 4th of July this weekend, many events planned, concerts, parades,etc. My biggest problem is deciding which ones to go to.
Enjoy life Eddie, ignore the beast and pretend he isn't there for awhile and let loose.
Linda
- By kitkat4ever
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:19 am
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Eddie:
These ports in our chest are pretty durable. I forget it is even there.
Glad you finally kicked everyone out of the pity party. Thise parts of you are negative and surrounded with fear.
So what chemo will you be doing?
Take care.
Kat
- By summeron2001
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm
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Eddie - glad to see you are going to get up and start fighting again. We all go through this many times in our journey but staying in bed is not an option! Into positive mode you go!!!!!!
Sylvia
- By beckylynn
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 4:14 pm
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Yeah, let's kick some Cancer Ass!!!!!
Tks for the motivation to keep on keeping on!
Becky :)
- By mawoni
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 7:17 pm
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Hey, Eddie ... Good for you! Your posts are much cherished and I'm rooting for you to get off the couch and get going! I know I spend way too much time in "what if it comes back" land and when I'm in there I watch a lot of Law & Order reruns. Now that the weather is better I am able to be out in my flower beds weeding and deadheading. Really my favorite place in the world. Much happier there than inside my head. Ha.
Cheers! ... Deb
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