Finally at age 47 I let go of my desire/need for my mother's approval. I let my husband hear 27ish years of pent up hurt, disappointment, pure pain come streaming out and the next day I felt so much better. In fact, the next day is when the gifts started coming to me. People I met, new folks, started gifting me with either stories from their heart, hugs, and yes, even gifts of jewelry. What goes around comes around as they say. The gifts continue to this day. I am in awe. I am so greatful I am just in awe and shock. I wish I could write everyone a thank you note, send cards, and yet, I guess it's all just in the moment, my thank you are my hugs and my tears and my words.
Yesterday I cut off all my beautiful long hair as a donation for "Locks of Love". I guess this too is my thank you to all who have been gifting me with love.
Hugs and gratitude, ~Alice
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letting go....
- By DragonflyDream
- Posted September 3, 2008 at 8:35 am · 17 replies
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- By dpharr
- Posted September 3, 2008 at 8:54 am
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Dear Alice, You're my kind of gal. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Also, cutting your beautiful hair and donating is in inself a most gracious and courageous gift. Keep fighting and never give up. Blessing to you. Dorothy
- By tig
- Posted September 3, 2008 at 9:27 am
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You have been a blessing to me and i pray in time i can feel the same as you. My journey of cancer has only been for the past 5 1/2 years. One year after my dad died and where i worked at at the time , the iowa veterans home. My father had lymphoma cancer and he was unable to take the chemo for as i and my sisters watched them turn it on 2 times he litterally sat up in the bed and stated with horrifying looks that it felt like the chicago cubs were all taking turns hitting him as hard as they could with a baseball bat. He didnt allow a 3rd time to be done for they wanted to put him under. We was afraid we'd lose what time we had to spend with him and he didint want to lose that either . He took only radiation and soon after april 8th 2001 he passed on. A year later i was dianosed with cervicle cancer, and i fought it only it left me disabled and had to have a new bladder made which didnt work. But i decided to not let it get me down and then aug 2007 doctor did biopsy and was final stage of breast cancer. I let another doctor just 3 years earlier tell me that it was a stuck milk gland no biopsy done just his word on it and at that time i thought i had bladder cancer. Well oct. 2007 i had to have a left breast masectomy and just finished my radiation for it 2 weeks ago. Now i am so angry i just wanna scream at something but dont know what to do . I remembered the 1st day of my chemo. I was by myself; oh nurses and all but i had the same reaction as my dad had with the baseball bats, and i was so scared but my doctor she put me on alot of steroids and i was able to make it through it. My family has been there for me whether on phone or in person and i dont vent much to them. But today i am so angry, not with god because if not for him, my faith in him i'd not make it this far. It is so wonderful to know there is others whom share my thoughts or some feelings in the same way. I pray god blesses you and yours as i know he does us all. One day at a time.... each day just one at a time always share those hugs those thoughts those angel gifts. sincerely, tig
- By Beachbabe
- Posted September 4, 2008 at 6:31 am
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DragonFlyDream~
I hear you about the gifts...I have been literally buried in gifts since my diagnosis...gifts of laughter, gifts from the heart, and tons and tons of really cool stuff.
It's taken me a while to realize what folks have been telling me...I am loved. I have made a difference in other people's lives...continue to make a difference in other people's lives. And what goes around definitely does come around.
What we put out into the world comes back to us. So my advice to everyone is: get out there and make a positive difference. It will make you feel good, and will come back to you twofold.
Peace and God Bless~
- By Chemo2
- Posted September 4, 2008 at 8:16 am
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tig: reading your posts makes me want to dance. Don't get me wrong, my heart aches for what you are going through. But you are so upbeat and positive. You know tig for the longest time I was so angry with god. I kept asking the age old question, why me? I was a good husband, dad, son, brother! Then the answer came to me, why not me? I am no better than anyone else battling this disease. We can either drown in self pity or make the most of the path God has chosen for us! You are my insperation tig. God bless!
Dragonfly, with cancer comes a new found freedom, we can say what we want and drop all the baggage that we have carried for so many years, feels good don't it! Best wishes to all.
- By joyrmttx
- Posted September 4, 2008 at 8:43 am
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Good for you Dragonfly for being able to let go. It's amazing the feeling when we allow ourselves to get rid of pent up feelings so we can move forward. I'm happy for you in the gifts that have come your way. Life is so precious and it's amazing what a diagnosis of cancer can do in allowing us to see things and do things in a different way. I to value the gifts received from so many (support, love, friendship, cards, flowers, & so much more). Cherish those around you and keep reaching for the stars.
Blessings,
Joy
- By LadyForce
- Posted September 7, 2008 at 5:31 am
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Hey Alice, I totally know what you mean about living for your parents' approval. I am the same age, and have had to do the same....
I am glad that at least you were able to let it 'all hang out' per say. You are soooo brave. I am also glad that you had someone to lean on.
Don't blame yourself for all of those things of the past... they are the past and now you can move on.
Blessings being sent to you!!!
LadyForce, aka JoyMarie
- By Lindakaylkw101
- Posted September 7, 2008 at 9:36 am
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It is so funny that cancer makes you want to be free and invincible, that is how I feel, I have had cancer, nothing else can touch it,
Have a wonderful and beautiful day
Linda
- By Leah4474
- Posted September 11, 2008 at 9:54 am
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Letting go can be so hard, but once you start, so many beautiful things enter your life.
Bless you!
Leah
- By NatalieM
- Posted September 27, 2008 at 1:03 am
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I don't know about you, however, when I am going through challenging events/times in my life I look for two things; lessons; and gifts...I think you received both a gift of personal freedom and learned that it is ok to be independent an no longer need the approval of your parents.
Blessings,
Natalie
- By ranchodigital
- Posted September 29, 2008 at 11:39 am
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I read your post at www.dragonflysdelights.org/blog
September, 29, 2008
Dearest Alice,
I was in tears as I read your post. You apologized to everyone. I certainly don’t intend to collect an apology from you. You deserve an apology from me.
I apologize for trying to fix things for you/us and not recognizing that you are sharing the concern with me for support not for repair. I apologize for sharing my coping mechanisms and in doing so, try to offer you understanding but fail to exhibit the unfailing, unconditional support that to you, the person that I love most, deserve. In questioning you, I have deeply offended and wounded you.
I apologize for interrupting our “imago” couples work. I froze stiff. I felt fear and froze stiff… intransigent. I discovered too much about myself and could not handle it. I regret this. I apologize and request that we return to this work.
I spoke with our friend and counselor, Carol. She helped me see. I saw myself as you see me, as a scared adult coping with so much. Hating this stupid cancer. Loving you, my sweet Alice so much, and not being able to stay instep with your dreams. I refused to fly a tight coordinated and elegant pattern of heightened self-awareness with you. I have not entirely been able to share the personal glory of warring and surviving cancer. Not because of lack of understanding of it but from impossible degrees of separation from you, my love. Slip sliding away…
I hear truth and see possibility. Our fears and traumas are manifesting near the surface for us to see, and be hurt by. Could now be the best time to address it together and heal the source of our pain? I see and am willing to do this work now.
You are interesting, an awesome individual Alice and I respect and offer tribute to you. You search for your personal best. Your “in your face” dreams and determination to build, Dragonfly’s Delights, your organization dedicated to love and hope. You strive to embody and hold proud the very indispensable qualities that any survivor needs to in order to heal. All the research for the cure will best benefit strong, vital, loving persons, like you, Alice. You seek out people who live with a zest and determination in the face of illness and death. You celebrate those who share a fascination for invention and seek adventures. What did we call it, “minutes counting vs. counting minutes”?
You say you are changing. Alice, you have indeed changed. You are traversing the mythical chrysalis into the space of HOPE, CHANGE, SI SE PUEDEism. You represent change and change is pivotal… evolution.
I believe that you, Alice, will be forever changing. The true nature of life…subtle change. I do not run from change. Nor am I exhausted by you nor change, I will never abandon you. I will hold. I will stay. I will learn from change and change for the better. Please allow me to fulfill this. I vowed this as we married and I live it for you daily.
Today I travel uncharted waters in our relationship. You are right in advising counsel, I struggle to embrace this change. I struggle to stop missing the “ghost Alice”, my old Alice, the going, going, gone…Alice. It’s not always a simple rule. I don’t always know when the ground between us is firm or loose. I step carefully and yet seem to carelessly slip often in the mire of do-nots. I travel this road happily and notice your frustration, your concern when I have slipped in the mud or tracked dirt on the proverbial rug. I am trying to catch up with your urgency, with your vision. It is work for me and at times I sit and rest, regroup my resolve and continue in good spirit.
Change is what it is. It brings hope for the new, the different. I hope for change as well. I am scared of losing you and yet must show support to your resolve. I ask that you give me time and hope. Allow me to embrace the ephemeral becoming Alice. The wisps of DELIGHTS Alice. The particles of DREAMS Alice. The rays of VICTORY Alice!
I dream as well Alice. I wish to fly the dragon. I don’t wish to be associated only with the past the duty, the daily obligations, the problem. I am all this and more.
Alice you are the love of my life
“The you I know best is memory and not entirely your present wonderful self.”
-- Edgard Rivera - your loving husband
- By TheDacattmell
- Posted September 29, 2008 at 3:57 pm
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We ALL have our 'cross to bear'...seems some crosses are heavier than others...never the less we carry them. Cancer is something I've grown to believe to be: A 'cross I was given to carry'...and many times I simply wanted to HEAVE it completely out of my life...yet everytime...God has placed SOMEONE there to HELP me carry it!.
Gifts come in many forms...Friends ( our earth angels), material gifts, faith gifts, GODLY GIFTS, FAMILY, and HUMOR. I wish EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM FOR EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! May you ALL be sustained by the MERCIFUL, LOVING GOD that KNOWS you and ALL of your situations.
WARM TIGHT HUGS
- By biggirl
- Posted October 5, 2008 at 8:51 pm
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Alice,
You are growing and maturing.
It is a beautiful dance to see.
Linda
- By shellyb47
- Posted November 13, 2008 at 9:36 am
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wow what a great idea. I wish my stylist had recommended that to me before I buzzed my hair off in anticipation of chemo.
Where have you been? I miss your postings.
- By Her
- Posted November 20, 2008 at 10:47 pm
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DragonflyQueen, Kudos to you for making such a huge decision. At the outset of my breast cancer treatment, my husband told me, "This is all your fault and I don't feel sorry for you." He meant it; so I managed my own care and feeding for the next year, undergoing two mastectomies and aggressive chemo. In consultation with others, I heard the same platitudes consistently: "Oh, they say mean things because they feel helpless." Well, sorry but that's no excuse for cruelty.
Barack won the election, hooray!!!
- By Her
- Posted November 20, 2008 at 11:02 pm
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I must add to my recent post that I was blown away by the love and support I got from my community. One friend drove me home from chemo every week, on call. My world got smaller, like a group hug. The house looked like a funeral parlor for a while. I started a special basket for Get Well cards; it quickly overflowed. Zowie.
- By Dreamy
- Posted November 21, 2008 at 11:50 am
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I too was gifted with so much and felt so undeserving. But my friends had their own opinion and in theirs I was deserving. I hate to ask for anything because they would give it to me at cost to themselves. My family has been supportive in a luke warm sort of way. They help when asked, They never volunteer. I have yet to learn how to project my thoughts to them. But there is no mental link. At my writing group, a nice woman said I was beautiful. No one has said that before without snickering afterwards. I am not beautiful. Im not ugly either. I am generous, funny ..... And she is fulfilling my fondest dresam to be included in a group of writers.
- By jbgary
- Posted November 21, 2008 at 12:02 pm
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Letting go of the hurt and pain of the past is such a reward. I tried for 50 years to get my mother's love. When I finally gave those feelings to the Lord and told him I couldn't love her, but He could love her through me, I had a new found freedom. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. There is still sorrow in the fact that 'things' couldn't be resolved, but I no longer feel guilty. The last 6 months of her life we were able to be friends. It' a good memory for me to hang on to. I'm so happy that you found freedom! Stay strong, Jackie
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