Lying or Delusional

In many different social settings I find my Self anxious and unable to just "be" myself. I open my mouth and lies come out. I just make up a story about myself or something else of interest. I just feed whatever the mood is for the day. Usually I am in need of attention and sympathy. SO I make up something that garners me " a tweek". A little bit of juice I get from having my secret lie/delusion at work. It's a powerful feeling to know I am living a lie. And that nobody know me really.

The problem is that, although the lie staisfies my momentatry need for attention, it laters get me in trouble. I spend time extending or covering up the lie. I feel guilty and ashame. I don't know how to retract the story, or how to make it go away.

Right now I have a lie going with my therapist. He is a great therapist. I have had this lie/delusion at work for several weeks. Each week I juice up the lie/delusion. I react to it like it's real. I feel the lie intrinsictly. I have visceral responses and cry appropriate during the telling of the lie/delusion. I act like it's real.

He either knows I am lying ---- and choosing not to respond negatively towards me. He may be letting me live it out. He gets the need I have to work a fantasy as a self-medicating, soothing coping device. I have been doing it for years and he knows it. When I present a new "juice" to him. He takes it in stride,

He may not know I am lying --- then in that case. he is duped like others. Which dissappoints me. I want my therapist to be more clever than that.

My hope is that he knows, and in a clever way he is letting it run it's course. I eventually clean it up and tell the truth. But I do it again later on.

I think lying is my "vice". It has been my protector and guard. I have entertained myself with these fantasies for years. It has become my way of life. You never know when it's going to happen. I don't plan it. I just find myself telling a story that I realize as my mouth is moving ---- that I am lying. Again.

I am a Borderline Personality. My emotional reaction to many stressors is too intense. I am triggered and defensive. I second guess myself and my thoughts run wild. I make up what I think others are thinking and then I react in a way to self-serve and protect my "inner child". AT ALL COST.

Lying is my way of keeping intimacy -- at bay. I don't let people inside my head. I have to stay two steps ahead. I lie to entertain and hide-out at the same time.
Am I delusional? The way I show up to people is not at all the way I see myself. My outward projection of me is obvious to others. They tell me. My inner circle knows when I am going into an episode. When I am performing a "self" and not being myself. Portraying my "ideal" self works well amongst strangers. I look like I got it all together. I look like I am fun, clever and trustworthy. I can play any role. (Think different personalities.) I begin to believe it. ANd my affect is at the root of the lying. This is when lying turns to delusional thinking.

Being bipolar has proved to be entertaining too. The rapid swings are dramatic and add a little spice to the otherwise dull life.

I say, I am committed to recovery and healing. Yet I keep getting in the way of my Self.

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Hello, I can so releate to every word, thought and feelings that you bloged about. I also have bpd as well as bi polor 1. Your story and my story are one and the same...you can email me at tamtam0026@yahoo.com we should chat

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@TamTam ---- I have sent you an email.

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Cynthia,
I am admittedly taking a chance here and believing that you are telling the truth in this post. It is entirely possible that this is part truth and part fabrication due to your condition. In the end, it doesn't really matter. Your declaration was brave in any case because it is not easy to expose these things. I have a suggestion and am interested in your feedback on it. Have you ever thought about channeling your ability to spin tales and write as a form of therapy? Good fiction authors are greatly appreciated and well compensated if they are successful. I have often been envious of the mind of Steven King or John Grisham. To have the imagination and talent to create a story that grabs hold of a reader for hours on end would be it's own reward. You may find that the compulsion to lie or rather, put an untruthful spin on your real world life decreasing. Bi-polar people are complex, interesting and on many levels very talented. It doesn't have to be a largely negative experience. Work it, the right way and you may be laughing all the way to the bank. What do you think?

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@Memay2
I agree. It's best to have fun with the cards I am dealt.
I am writing a journal, as a guidebook for recovery and healing. It has a bunch of high times, and
laughter. But it also deals with the day to day struggle to survive and thrive. It is based on a 21 Step
process for healing of "adults survivors of childhood sexual abuse". It's my life work.
Thank you for believing that within this forum, I am telling the truth. It helps that it is anonymous.
There is no shame, guilt or anticipation of being rejected. Being a BPD, hiding in plain sight is a
freedom not afforded in my "real" life.

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The fabrications one shares reveal loads. They are the meat and potatoes of therapy. I feel you are telling your therapist truths invisible to the untrained mind. I, myself have fabricated. You are talking to a peer. I believed my reality boring. I felt I had nothing to offer, nothing of interest to anyone so I fabricated things believing those fabrications would stimulate conversation. My fabrications, and yours, are expressions of the way we both wish our life was. Through therapy I learned to accept the circumstances of my life and learned I didn't have to try so hard to communicate. You will reach this conclusion yourself.

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@MaryEdythe
Just by your statement alone, I feel you definitely get me.
The lies are things I wish were really going on in my life. I find my Self creating a world that doesn't exist--- and believing it. Or at least I live out loud like it's real.
I agree that the place to work this out, and gain confidence is in my sessions. Ideally my therapist would call me on the lie. But he seems to not "bite". I think he's waiting for me to come clean (on my own). Which would be a HUGE breakthrough for me.
I feel fairly certain this too will get worked out. I appreciate your feedback. It matters to me.

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I have the same problem with stories, and i also am borderline personality. I explained to my doctor that it's like there are three me's. The good the bad and the child. Lately there is a fourth and she is truly scary. Very short fuse. Every now and then i can stop my self... I've become increasingly a quiet person. I'm working on it but when i don't tell a story I feel like... I don't know quite how to put it.... Kind of empty. I wrote poems for a long time. Wrote a couple short stories. They only helped for a while though. I hope u can get better hun. I know I'm still workin on mine and it just keeps comin back to bite me in the behind.

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Oh and one more thing. It's not a delusion it's a lie. Delusional people actually believe things like they can fly and because no one else can, other people try to stop them. A friend of mine just had her first schitzo break and when she did she was at a casino. She said she KNEW she was going to win on the slots and big, she just needed more money. She got very agitated when no one believed her. That's delusion. Chronic Lying is a real problem though. There's a name for it but i can't think of it now. You really should talk to your doc about your stories and like the other person said, try to find a way to get the juice another way. Best of luck.

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Hey, Cynthia!

I have had a different problem with lying, and I don't know if it might be part of your experience, too.

My household growing up was truly insane. Or, rather, my father was. (Never did get a proper Dx but BPD w/psychosis, but I suspect more than that.) Lots of abuse, all kinds you can imagine, and some I hope you can't. Nobody was left out.

I couldn't tell anyone anything, of course. It was a credible threat of death. Never had friends over. Rarely allowed out while he was home. It made me incredibly shy because I thought if anyone got close, they'd figure it out. I had a couple of friends, but only because of the stories I spun about my family.

There was a certain amount of an adrenaline high from it, always wondering if I'd pushed it too far, if their parents would get suspicious, if I'd be found out. I was (I think) a bit addicted to the adrenaline and when it came time to tell the truth, I had to fight extra hard against the temptation to continue lying, on top of the natural hesitance to "protect the perpetrator."

The first time it hit me to lie in therapy, I 'fessed up to it, tho. I didn't get a therapist that made it that deep into my past until I was in my late 20's, tho, and determined by that time to turn my life around.

Annie

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Okay, I am purposely not reading others responses. I am almost positive people know you are lying and just ignore it. My sister-in-law does this and it can be entertaining at times. I just let her blather on with her stories. I can tell she is making them up as she goes along, people are not as stupid as you think.

As to why you do this I have no idea, I've always gotten plenty of attention in my life and didn't feel I needed more I have cancer now and my sister-in-law is now telling me her doctors think she has cancer yada yada yada. The only thing I would say is please try to stop this because people will lose respect for you. Good luck! Try to break the habit! : )

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Wow, what a smart, terrific idea!

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Thank you all for your contribution to me. I have since come "clean" with my therapist and has told my bff the truth about something I lied to her about. Neither of them claim to already know.
But writing here has given me pause and the coaching that was well deserved.
I appreciate this community of listeners.
Lying (although it was entertaining) is despicable and untrustworthy.
I don't care to be this way.
Much obliged for the feedback.

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Tami and everyone,

I just learned that when you think you're replying to a specific post, you're actually being tumbled down to the newest post position. Therefore, let me say that my first post was in response to Memay's idea about using that gorgeous creative mind of yours and DO write: fiction, your journal, non-fiction, articles, poetry--because you CAN.

My Mom declared me a pathological liar when I was about 10. What she didn't understand is that I lied because I was so scared of her and not meeting her alcoholic "expectations." I understand where you'[re at, and I also think Macarria87's comment about the "three me's" is very insightful, i.e., the good, the bad, and the child. Our damaged inner child needs so much: excitement, acceptance, love, support, and so she sometimes flails about, searching for those things, and lies happen. It is a lot of work to cover the lies up--I know. And then there's the SHAME thing that niggles--a true drag on one's positive sense of self, and appropriate to the inner child.

How would you treat a damaged, fragile child? After all your experience, would you slap her down, punish her, demean her, reject her? No, you'd figure out what she needs and then nourish the heck out of that precious child--YOU. Glad that you're here so that we all can help each other to do that.

Benita

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Undoubtedly your therapist knows why you even have a need to lie. He wont talk about until you bring it up, because that's when you are ready to deal with it. Just remember though, you aren't playing games with his head, You are playing with your own and your own time and money.

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The book idea is very good but the first thought I had was actor or in your case actress. Everyone of my siblings is bipolar and my youngest brother did become an actor. He was such a big manipulator as a kid and I guess it continued on as an adult. He made up a whole past life and never looked back.
Me I was/am not very clever and its difficult for me to make things up. I can write, but only truths, I suck at fiction. Maybe that's why I only enjoy reading true crime and true adventure?
I envy your creative mind.

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