In many different social settings I find my Self anxious and unable to just "be" myself. I open my mouth and lies come out. I just make up a story about myself or something else of interest. I just feed whatever the mood is for the day. Usually I am in need of attention and sympathy. SO I make up something that garners me " a tweek". A little bit of juice I get from having my secret lie/delusion at work. It's a powerful feeling to know I am living a lie. And that nobody know me really.
The problem is that, although the lie staisfies my momentatry need for attention, it laters get me in trouble. I spend time extending or covering up the lie. I feel guilty and ashame. I don't know how to retract the story, or how to make it go away.
Right now I have a lie going with my therapist. He is a great therapist. I have had this lie/delusion at work for several weeks. Each week I juice up the lie/delusion. I react to it like it's real. I feel the lie intrinsictly. I have visceral responses and cry appropriate during the telling of the lie/delusion. I act like it's real.
He either knows I am lying ---- and choosing not to respond negatively towards me. He may be letting me live it out. He gets the need I have to work a fantasy as a self-medicating, soothing coping device. I have been doing it for years and he knows it. When I present a new "juice" to him. He takes it in stride,
He may not know I am lying --- then in that case. he is duped like others. Which dissappoints me. I want my therapist to be more clever than that.
My hope is that he knows, and in a clever way he is letting it run it's course. I eventually clean it up and tell the truth. But I do it again later on.
I think lying is my "vice". It has been my protector and guard. I have entertained myself with these fantasies for years. It has become my way of life. You never know when it's going to happen. I don't plan it. I just find myself telling a story that I realize as my mouth is moving ---- that I am lying. Again.
I am a Borderline Personality. My emotional reaction to many stressors is too intense. I am triggered and defensive. I second guess myself and my thoughts run wild. I make up what I think others are thinking and then I react in a way to self-serve and protect my "inner child". AT ALL COST.
Lying is my way of keeping intimacy -- at bay. I don't let people inside my head. I have to stay two steps ahead. I lie to entertain and hide-out at the same time.
Am I delusional? The way I show up to people is not at all the way I see myself. My outward projection of me is obvious to others. They tell me. My inner circle knows when I am going into an episode. When I am performing a "self" and not being myself. Portraying my "ideal" self works well amongst strangers. I look like I got it all together. I look like I am fun, clever and trustworthy. I can play any role. (Think different personalities.) I begin to believe it. ANd my affect is at the root of the lying. This is when lying turns to delusional thinking.
Being bipolar has proved to be entertaining too. The rapid swings are dramatic and add a little spice to the otherwise dull life.
I say, I am committed to recovery and healing. Yet I keep getting in the way of my Self.