How I feel.

Aside from feeling alone, I mean how do I feel all over. I have been feeling sooo many things and I am looking to relate to someone about this. Telling someone that I have pain here or there does nothing for me because I know that person doesn't really know how I feel. I just want to say it out-loud. So, this is how I feel...

I feel tired, I feel weak. My body feels tired. I feel warm all over, like I have a fever. There are constant taps of pain in my pelvic area. Thump thump thump. Pressure here, pressure there. Needles keep sticking me in my ovaries. I bend at the waist when I walk as if this particular way of standing and walking will alleviate the way my pain feels. The truth, is, it doesn't matter how I walk. Walking that way doesn't help the pain at all. I feel discomfort. I don't feel comfortable. These little thumps, sharp needles, and pressure make me feel uncomfortable. I mean, I guess it doesn't hurt like when you sprang your knee. But its uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable all the time. Is there a difference between discomfort and pain? Is it the same? Is feeling discomfort not enough to constitute a complaint? Bite the bullet on that? I feel annoyed by the way that I feel. I can have the best attitude. I can think happy thoughts. I can claim strength and victory over the pain and discomfort. But its still there. You don't want to complain all the time. You try not to. People ask how you feel and you don't really tell them. So, how do you express this because holding it all in, carrying it alone is troublesome. I want to scream to the world, I FEEL SICK!!! I AM IN PAIN! I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AND ANNOYED! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! LEAVE ME ALONE!

I figure sometimes, maybe if I tell someone how I really feel it will make me feel better. It doesn't all the time. I just feel so unfulfilled. No one wants to complain or be miserable all the time. I mean, a person who always complains or who is always sad is no fun to be around. I don't want to just complain all day. I don't want to. But I think its important to talk about the pain. Why give it a voice you say? That just gives it power and position in your life. I don't see it that way. I see it as a release. And I sure as hell don't want to accept it as something that is. I am not afraid of you pain. I won't talk about you behind your back or whisper about it. I will talk about you to your face. You suck, pain! Lick nuts, Pain! You annoy me, pain!

Ah, I feel better already =)

By banana
Posted April 2, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Report post

I think it is wonderful you can express your thoughts. Getting things out will always make you feel better.

Now I read you haven't been DX'd yet? When are you going to see a dr?

By Chavonia
Posted April 2, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Report post

I have an appointment for my colposcopy on April 14th. That is the earliest I could get one scheduled. I was waiting to get admitted in the IBCCP to get coverage for all the services I may need. All I know now is that Things kept getting worse with every visit to the gyno. I have HPV. I have had abnormal and painful periods. I have cells growing on my cervix and I have to find out how many there are and the extent to which they exist. Thanks for you reply =)

By flowershoplady
Posted April 2, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Report post

hello, chavonia. i'm glad it helped to express those feelings! it sounds like you're scared, and that's understandable.

when you had your pap, you evidently got an abnormal test result. do you know what the results were? it's good to start becoming more knowledgeable about your health! in addition to being hpv positive, the pap would say whether you had LGSIL (low grade squamous intraepithelial lesion) or HGSIL (high grade) which would give you an indication of the level of dysplasia. if you don't know, go ahead and give the doctor's office a call to find out and/or to get a copy of your medical records - those records are yours. and to be your own best advocate, you should know what the pap said.

at your colposcopy, the doctor will probably take biopsies, and again, he/she should tell you specifically what the biospy results are - if not, then ask!

i know that waiting is difficult. hang in there.

By Chavonia
Posted April 2, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Report post

Hmmm, the only copy of my pap that I had, I handed over to the program I was trying to get in. When I read it, I didn't understand anything it said, hehe. There were all these bigs words on there. I didn't know what anything meant. I suppose I should have take the initiative to find out what those things meant on my own. I just accepted my gyno doc telling me the pap was abnormal and there are some cells on my cervix, yada, yada, yada. I did ask what they meant to one nurse at the cancer program and all she told me was that it said exactly what I needed it to say to qualify. I think I will go back to get another copy. The thing is that my gyno is a planned parenthood and truthfully, they are very disinterested in what is going on with my cervix and more interested about my sexual activity...which is non-existent at the moment.

Thanks again for the replies. I will look into that. I am very knowledgeable about my health status, just never thought to find out what all those words really meant; like many people, I assumed my doc was telling me what I needed to know.

By Chavonia
Posted April 4, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Report post

So, I got a copy of my pap again. I am researching it now. The only concern I have is that I did this pap in January, and well, in January I didn't have the problems I have now; none of the symptoms I have now were there at that time. In January, all I had was a genital wart (Eeww, that sounds sooo gross). Things have spun out of control since then.

Anywho, this is what it says:
Epithelial cell abnormality.
LGSIL (which I guess is better than high)
Mild Dyplasia and HPV effects present.

What I did find out is that I haven't had an offical HPV test to determine the type of HPV I have. Also, on my last appoint with my gyno lady, she said that the cells she could visibly see have increased in size and number.

In the end, I will just wait for what happens with my colpo on the 14th. Thanks and keep me in your prayers.

By taylor1
Posted April 4, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Report post

Dear Chavonia :

I am sure you will be just fine after your colposcopy and biopsy. There are treatments for dysplasia and i am sure your doctor will get rid of them. He/ she will let you know what type of treatment ( if any needed) you would have.
Please be strong. I have you in my thoughts and prayer.

By flowershoplady
Posted April 6, 2008 at 10:02 am
Report post

hello, chavonia. hope you're doing ok with the waiting...it's not easy. yes, it's better to have mild dysplasia than severe dysplasia, but keep in mind that the pap is just a screening test. the true diagnosis will be when you have a biopsy during the colposcopy. mild dysplasia is often 'treated' by just watching and waiting, and hopefully the dysplasia and hpv infection will clear via your body's own immune system. you may want to ask for a hpv test. the hpv strains that can cause genital warts are not the same strains that can potentially cause cervical cancer. and, you may have other gyn issues going on, since cervical dysplasia and hpv don't cause any symptoms. i hope the next doctor will be able to get everything sorted out so you can take the steps to become healthier. meanwhile, work on getting that immune system as strong as possible! eat your colorful veggies, exercise, lower stress, etc.

Welcome to Inspire!

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

8 replies

Add to the discussion

You