Living in Exit Mode

When finding out the cancer is incurable, there is an amazing shift in thinking. The emotion is a little akin to realizing this is the last day of summer vacation. I want to savor each moment, yet yearn for more time. I want to treasure the present without dreading what's to come.

My best friend asked me whether having cancer changes how I look at things. And my answer was that yes, in fact it colors everything I do. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is--I have cancer. My last thought as I close my eyes is: I have cancer.

Living in "exit mode" is buying the 400 pack of dryer sheets at Sam's and wondering if I'll live to see the bottom. I don't buy shoes because, will I ever have the chance to wear them out? Am I worth spending money on clothes?

This summer I have thrown out about 30 garbage bags of "memorabilia" that I, at one time, would never have dreamt parting with. But will I really sit in a rocker in the nursing home and re-read my college notes, or get warm fuzzies from reading my 4-H record book, or looking at letters from the friend that moved away in 6th grade?

I donated about 20 bags of "stuff" to good will. Granted, I probably could have made good bucks at a garage sale, but my time budget is probably more strapped than my dollar budget.

Living in "exit mode" means that I make sure my conversations end with a kind word. It might be one of the last. Living in "exit mode" means that Jesus is a better friend than ever before, and that I now understand that heaven is only a thin veil away.

I was running at full bore, with a savings account bulging with time, and now I'm slowly going bankrupt, and I watch my spending of minutes much more carefully.

I savor the sunsets and the birds. And I don't say anything when my husband puts his hand below my nose to see if I'm breathing, or over my heart to check its beats while he thinks I'm asleep.

I choose not to let "exit mode" be riddled with regrets of "if only's" and "no fairs," and I hope for the future, but don't bet on it.

I cashed in my meager investments. They say you need to be in them for the long term. (I think that was wise).

I pray for my children--a lot, and when I laugh, cry, or just talk to them, I wonder about what they'll remember.

In my "exit mode" I think that having a bucket list is a little selfish, and I wish Randy Pausch would have talked about Jesus.

But at the same time, I pray for a future. The ovaries that have led me to this dismal point in my life are the very things that gave me the best blessings of it as well.

We talk about exit mode at work. It can also be a good thing. When you're in exit mode on Friday, and ready to wrap it up and you realize it's only Thursday. It's wierd to come back the next day. In this walk, I kinda wish I knew what day of the week it was.

As we, with cancer, dwell in various levels of exit mode, we understand one another more than anyone else can. We know what it means to wonder "when," "how," and "what's most important?"

When I leave work at night there's a long dark hallway and that EXIT sign glows at the end. As I walk, it's hard to see if it's getting much closer, even though I know it is. But I can't let that glowing exit sign keep me from getting the important jobs done while I can.

I go for blood tests on Wednesday. I haven't had chemo in 8 weeks and I feel mentally brilliant and energized, and "normal." I'm wearing regular shoes and I can walk for hours. It's wonderful. But a little number changes everything. Isn't this a strange journey, and although I'm richer for it, the price is high.

CarolAnn

By Martha2
Posted September 16, 2008 at 8:03 am
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Dear CarolAnn, That was beautifully expressed without any self-pity. Just sheer honesty. I'm so glad I had the courage to read today's postings - yours is one I wouldn't have wanted to miss. My very best wishes for you and your family. Martha

By FavoriteAunt
Posted September 16, 2008 at 8:09 am
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Dear CarolAnn,
This is so very touching and I thank you for expressing yourself to us this way. You have a gift with words - and obviously with spirit too.

Blessings and all the best to you,
Jo

By ALWAYS
Posted September 16, 2008 at 8:37 am
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Dear CarolAnn

After reading you note I have realized I have had
all the feelings you have had.
My cancer has just returned after 7yrs. It is the
third time.
You are a very beautiful person and I will remember
you in my prayers.
I also thought of getting rid of things but I am not
at that place yet. I have a beautiful granddaughter
and I can't bear the thought of leaving her.

Keep strong and remember Jesus is walking with
you thats how I get through each day.

God bless you

Anita

By metwo
Posted September 16, 2008 at 9:55 am
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This written piece is amazing. Thank you CarolAnn1, for being able to put into words so many of the thoughts and feelings that race around my head as well.

May we all enjoy, savour and embrace each and every moment of our journey towards the exit door.

By foxynana
Posted September 16, 2008 at 10:24 am
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Thank you! Your expressions are perfect for what so many of us have felt! You are an excellent writer, I have your piece on HAIR still sitting on my desk, it makes me laugh as I have what I call 'duck' hair. It's about an inch long, silver white and flips on the ends so I look incredibly silly, and it is fine as duck down. I too am living by numbers. Best wishes to you, please continue to share your thoughts with us all!
Georgia

By melf
Posted September 16, 2008 at 11:16 am
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Wonderfully put. How true each and every word/phrase is. Thank you for putting our feelings in to words.
Funny, but I have made mental "bucket lists" as well. My local garbage man "loves" me too. Although in my heart I think that he dreads stopping at my house each Tuesday morning. Stuff just doesnt matter much anymore.
and yes, the overies...those beasts that have given us our most precious commodities and yet are robbing them of us... bitter irony.

May I share your post with others outside our group? I know of some who would benefit of your words.

Prayers and hugs to you carol Ann

Melissa

By Lemona
Posted September 16, 2008 at 1:29 pm
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Dear Carol Ann,

I bawled when I read your post. Your thoughts and feelings, so beautifully worded, are what I've been thinking about so much lately. I had 8 rounds of chemo, optimal debulking surgery, and just started daily Topotecan. I've been so positive up until now, but now I'm so fearful. Prior to yesterday, I had not had chemo since July 7. I'm fearful it has started to come back already. I can't seem to cut the fear away and go back to the optimism I felt before. I'm wondering when ... months, years, 10 years. When will it be? Why can't someone tell me when? How will I know my time is near? What will happen to my son, my baby granddaughter, my dear sister, my dear brother who can't face it, my extended family, and my wonderful friends? I prayed to my mother and father this morning who are both gone and told them it's not time and they need to pull some strings up there because I'm not ready to join them. God bless you Carol Ann and all my sisters.

By Rose2
Posted September 16, 2008 at 1:48 pm
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Carol Ann....what a wonderful expression of words. Words that are in each of our hearts. The Cancer God has allowed in our lives really has a way of changing our priorites. Yes, On Friday morning my Garbage Colletor makes an extra long stop at my house too! :) We can all SMILE at your words!!! How true. HOW TRUE!!

By Dodie1
Posted September 16, 2008 at 8:49 pm
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CarolAnn, you have truly put down in words what so many of us feel. I read it to my hubby and he knows that it expresses how I feel too.

I've told him it's time for us to go through and get rid of unwanted clutter. And we have started.

Take care & God Bless

By melf
Posted September 16, 2008 at 10:29 pm
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Thanks Carol Ann, you know, I think that your message is something that contains messages for the living as well. One never really knows when He will call us home and we should all be prepared.

Melissa

By CarolAnn1
Posted September 16, 2008 at 11:17 pm
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I'm sitting here crying as I read your responses. Thank you for gleaning meaning out of the meanderings of my odd little brain. I pray for all of you--and so many of you by name. You are my sisters. I know of no one else who has ovarian cancer and who is still alive, except all of you. Thank you for listening, and for sharing your stories as well.
Carol

By MAG
Posted September 17, 2008 at 8:12 am
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Dear Carol Ann:

Thank you for sharing. What heartfelt writing. Tears came to my eyes. How touching your words are and yet how true. Non-one can understand what we are going thru, what our thoughts are - how we try to live a normal life and then are sucked back into the realtity of this disease.

The other day at work a woman was complaining about her kitchen cabinet that was installed wrong - I wanted to scream "DO YOU KNOW I AM FIGHTING THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE!" And yet, prior to my own diagnosis, surgery, chemo, etc., I would have been intune to her agony about her kitchen cabinet.

I try to live my life as normal as possible, however, as all of us know the reality of this disease can hit us at any moment no matter what we are doing.

I am in Stage IIIC OVCA and Stage IIB Breast Cancer. I had a mascectomy in 04. Went thru chemo 2X.
Separated from my husband of 26 years in July 08 and am now in contract to buy a house. My ex once said to me during my second chemo in 07 - isn't it better the second time around? (I have no words that I can share on this site on that statement)

My oldest brother questioned why I would start buying a house now at this stage of my life - he said to rent. Well maybe I should - but I think of a line in a movie I saw - The Shawshank Redemption. "Get busy living or get busy dying!"

I have decided to get busy living and live my life to the fullest until the Lord wants me. I enjoy the beauty around me and take the time to smell the flowers. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I pray often and enjoy a closer walk with the Lord.

I think this site is an inspiration to us all.
We are all in this together.

Stay strong!!! I will put you in my prayers.

Mary Ann

By MaryW
Posted September 17, 2008 at 11:48 am
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Dear Carol Ann,
I so appreciate your posting- really touched my heart and where I am at after 4.5 years of 5 surgeries and almost continuous chemo. There are so many gifts and so many people to appreciate each day, even though the "exit sign" is getting closer. I've read your posting every day since it appeared-thank you so much for sharing. Blessings and healing on your journey.

You have a real gift with words. I would encourage you to share your writing with the "Coping" Magazine at www.coping.org. Mary

By rhino718
Posted September 17, 2008 at 11:51 am
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carol ann-very nicely put. Now start doing this one day at a time. You are letting this disease run your life instead of you. If you have to think -think about living and doing all the mundane things you do every day. go to work /go to lunch/cook/ clean/enjoy the day one day at a time and don't let it be the last thing you think of at night. I've been dealing with this disease for 37.5 yrs. and decided from the beginning at 29 that it was going to be by my rules. I 've been around to see 3 children grown and they have given me grandchildren even though the drs. gave me 9 months. anyway--bless you and stick around you have a lot of life to live yet.

By momanderson920
Posted September 17, 2008 at 1:00 pm
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You have a wonderful way of putting into words how we all feel and think on this journey. After being told the word "remission" 6 weeks ago which I am not real confident about, after recovering from the last chemo and some aftereffects, I want to do things and go places while my husband continually wants to stay home and do housework and chores. He just doesn't get it. I don't know how much time I have left....months, a few years, many years....and even how much of that time will be "feeling good" time to enjoy things. It is so frustrating. I want to go visit family, travel even if just within our area or home state, and try new things. He has a list of weekend chores every weekend and it is driving me nuts!! I could care less about the darn house or yard! I want to go visit my kids at college and go to their football games, visit local museums, go to Washington DC and tour. I know that my little number could rise at any time and put me back on that scarey roller coaster that I can't get off for awhile and then I will be stuck at home feeling like crap and trying to avoid infection again.

Welcome to Inspire!

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