Join now

Already a member? Sign in

Welcome to Inspire!

What - Inspire is a place where you can connect with people who share your health concerns and find information and advice in groups sponsored by organizations you know and trust.

Why - As a member you can use Inspire to let friends and family know how you're doing, contact others who share your health concerns, receive personalized updates and information about participating in surveys and clinical trials, and more.

How - Joining Inspire is completely free and usually takes less than a minute. Join now!

corner corner corner

Cancerland and an island

71133
  • By 71133
  • Posted June 27, 2009 at 7:57 am · 20 replies
  • Shared with the public
0 Recommendations

A couple of months ago someone wrote and said how friends and family have a way of disappearing during this time. I being the optimist that I am said that we all have a way of looking the other way when people are down. However... being in the 15th months with a husband of Stage IV NSCL it become really clear that no one wants to call because of the "bad news" they dare not get. It's funny the number of people that say "I don't know what to say" and the number of people who don't call because they don't know what to say. Don't know why I'm going on it just hurts that people become so far from us. So you try really hard not to be down but after a bad PET, CT it's really hard to get back on top. Is it human nature to only surround yourself with up people. If so all of us in "Cancerland" need to write more and find others that we can share with.
Thanks for listening...

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

Cancer Surgery Ativan Morphine Anxiety Pain Lung cancer Stress

20 replies

momshere

I know folks often don't know what to say but perhaps you need to create a "safe" zone that circles you with family and friends that understand what you're going through. This site truly is a safe zone...there is always someone to give you their time, a place to vent and get your questions asked.
I'm very new to the site but already have made friends. Keep your faith strong and those that truly care will be there for you and yours.
momshere

brooklynda

Dear 71133: Yes, it does hurt when you find that some people are not there for you. I remember someone saying about another friend who was stricken with cancer: "No, I just don't call her or stop to see her because I don't know what to say." Maybe circumstances are "uncomfortable", but not nearly as "uncomfortable" as the person and/or family that is undergoing the ordeal! To me - it's just plain selfish. They are only thinking of themselves. Although it hurt when it also happened to me, I finally viewed it as a great opportunity to find out who my real friends are and concentrated on them and reciprocated when opportunities to be of support to them arose. Blessings! Brooklynda

AliceL

This has happened to me also - I guess it happens more than I realized. What surprised me most was that two of my friends who abandoned me were people I would have sworn would have been there no matter what, and some of the people who I considered more "casual" friends, have really come through and been there for me. I try not to blame the friends who let me down - perhaps they just aren't able to handle it - but it sure goes to show that you really don't know people as well as you think until adversity hits.

whynotme

When my friends are sick or hospitalized, I call and visit. But when my husband was diagnosed, people dropped out of the picture totally. It was so hurtful. When I asked a couple we know who walk by our house each day why they don't stop in they said they were scared and didn't want to see Tom like that. Sheesh. Nothing is as scarier as this journey you fighters are going through. We need to let go of the people that abandon us most when we need them, and come here where it is, as said, safe. Besides, people on the "outside" sometimes say the stupidest things, they just don't get it. Hang in there, 71133.

who-me

71133,

I am so sorry. I can hear your anguish.
We have dealt with this same issue, and I have posted this before on other threads, but I truly believe it has everything to do with fear.
Their fear.
When you know someone close to you that gets the "gift" of cancer or any scary health crisis for that matter, you are faced with your own mortality. Some handle it well, and from my experience most don't....
It is their issue and not yours.
I feel empathy for them, but they will miss these moments and live with regret.
I will cherish (most of) them, and know I did all that I could, and said all that I could..... And loved much...

rdeegee

It's really strange isn't it. Most of my friends have been there through thick and thin but one particular friend said to me....I am sorry that I haven't been to visit but I just have trouble dealing with that sort of thing....I told her it didn't really matter but I wondered what it was that she had trouble with..I look the same...I now feel about the same...I'm still alive and don't dwell on cancer or bore people to death with it...so I just don't know what she has trouble dealing with...but I am happy to have her stay away...I don't want to cause her any "extra" stress.

tazzy1994

It is very hurtful and puzzling when people do this to you. It never has been my way, I want to help my friends through difficult times, not run away.
My husband and I have a joke between us now. When it is a holiday or event we just tell each other that we have just had so many invitations from our friends that we are just going to turn them all down in order not to hurt any feelings!!! LOL
But if people live long enough they too will experience tragedy in their lifes and I hope they remember their reactions and aren't too surprised to be dropped by their friends.
P

cuddles53

I am so glad I read this, I was going to quit for the night since it is late and go to bed, and I told myself one more post to read and thats it!
I thought I was the only one! Here I am sometimes still feeling sorry for myself, not like I used to, but occassionally, my family turned their backs on me, I was so shocked and in such shock that they would do this. I never dreamed in a million years that my own sister, and my own mother who always said how much I meant to them, and how close we were, would just stay out of the picture, I talk on the phone with them and can tell in their actions, and in the voices they can't wait to get off the phone with me, or hand it over to the other one, "oh here talk to mom", this has just mortified me, I have found very few friends that stuck by me, but the few that did also amazed me, and surprised me. i wasdtold at first I would never have to go to a chemo treamtnet alone, well that was not the case at all, many times I had to go alone and people just were unaware of it, too ashamed to let anyone know I drove myself the one hour there and back, I was very worried doing this since I had just started taking ativan for my anxiety, and morphine to help me with breathing. the people who helped me in any way I can count on one hand, and actually say 3 people, but I feel that I was blessed with those three, since it could have been no one. I will forgive because I am told to do so, but never will I forget this.
I am glad I found this site to talk with people who I know are really listening, they care as I do for them.
Thanks again for letting me vent this time. One thing it has done for me is turn me into a very crabby woman!! LOL, but so true.??
Sandy

texaszan

The post you mentioned may have been mine. I did a post about that subject and got over 50 replies. Yes, it's happened to a lot of us! It's so hard to understand and so very hurtful.

easterbaby

My sister has had friends that have done that to her as well. I know people at my work ask how my sister is doing and I feel they really don't want to know and I think it is fear.

What I worry about is that my sister is doing really good and because of that I think close friends and family don't seem so concerned about her as they did when she was first diagnosed. It seems like alot of people have gotten used to it. I know if I feel it then she has to also. While she has been doing great she is still ill and it is still a big deal. I never want her to feel that we don't care as much and/or that we have gone on with our lives. People actually think she is cured. She has about 4 weeks of radiation left. She is a trooper. We started this journey together and we will continue the journey together. She's my baby sis. How can you not be there?

patriciad

I experienced this at times when my husband was sick and when people said they didn't know what to say or didn't feel comfortable, I told them it wasn't about them(I don't hold back). If they were true friends they would do what they could. I even gave this speech to my youngest son(age 19) when he started avoiding the bedroom where hubby was parked for the last few months.He figured it out real quickly. Yes, it hurts to see a friend like that but real friends don't let friends down. So, say what is on your mind. What can possibly happen-lose a friend?
Pat

ION43

Yes, it's true. It seems in the beginning of our mutual journey, soon after being diagnosed, friends and family are genuinely shocked and dismayed.  They all immediately come forward with flowers, visits, phone calls and promises to help.  "Please let me know if I can help."  is a statement we all must have heard many times from acquaintances as they quietly slip away.  I agree that their reactions are composed of a mixture of fear and discomfort. They don't know what to say and haven't been raised to learn that just dropping off an old fashioned casserole or a supermarket broiled chicken with a big hug is a huge comfort. I think people worry that we'll clutch onto them and they won't be able to get free. They haven't learned that the bravest people in the world are cancer patients, rarely do you see a sniveler in this bunch.  Yes, we do get crotchety (Guilty!) at times but mostly we keep that to ourselves. 
Sandy, if you lived in Ca. I'd have been happy to take you to your chemo treatments.  Too bad we can't organize a nationwide program to get each other to various appointments. I haven't even been able to locate an emotional support group for lung cancer pts. in my area.  Luckily, I have two grown daughters who have taken off work several times to help me through my treatments but there were a couple occasions that I had to get myself there and once a friend of my daughter's dropped me off which was greatly appreciated. Am I the only one who leaves a chemo treatment with an other worldly surreal mental feeling?  Fortunately my drive is less than 5 miles each way.
I know most of us are reluctant to ask for help but it would be great if we had a larger group that we were certain of to draw from.
I'd like to end this with a big thank you to the help I've gotten from the least expected sources; a very reticent neighbor who took it upon herself to mow the lawn every week, another friend of my daughters who sends the casual gift (a serenity bracelet, funny socks) every so often, and the quiet fellow volunteer who took me to Yosemite with her during one of my good times.

BetsyT

What a horrific thing we have to learn at our darkest time. I must have been naive-This is by far the cruelest lesson I have ever learned.Had any of my friends even ASKED" What can I do?" I would only have said JUST BE THERE. I never imagined it could be any other way.But now I know.
I went to "Suppot Groups",therapists, seeking validation,support. Only to have this abandonment & disregard "explained & excused" to me -Over & over.
That made it worse. I thought I was loosing my mind.
The foundation of everything I held close, loved was shattered. I'd sit in chemo & cry wondering how the people I'd have walked through fire for ,could not only walk away, but found ways to blame me. Some even returned to assuage their guilt so they could walk away again with a clear conscience.
It's been almost 3 yrs. -The wound starts to scab over & discussions like this bring it all up again.
Yes, this is real -Yes this does happen w/ a cancer DX.
Especially Lung Cancer... And regardless of their fear, discomfort, or not knowing what to say-There is no excusing these substanceless people-BAD behavior is BAD behavior.I know there are many here that have forgiven these neanderthals-As for me -I fight every day to not let it turn me bitter-But I hope they all burn in hell.....No more excuses. Betsy

Chi-Dreamer

It's funny how lifes tragedies play out. 36 years ago I lost my baby girl after she had open heart surgery. A childhood friend from grammer school suddenly stopped calling me. She started a friendship with another one of my friends she met at the funeral just to talk to her and hear how I was doing. She also said she did not know what to say.
We heard from each other occasionally over the years but since she heard of my cancer she has been here by myside whenever I need her. She will go along for treatments, take me out, and we even took a cruise together in Nov and she helped with my Mom.
If any mention of my baby girl comes up she cries and feels quilty. I don't hold any thing against her and it just shows how people react differently to different types of tragedy. I reassure her it's ok and she doesn't have to worry about what to say sometimes we just need some one to listen. True friendship survives and I am so grateful to have her as my friend.

AliceL

ION43 - what a good idea. It never occurred to me, but now that I am "between" treatements, no reason I can't drive others in treatment to and from if they need it. I will start with the Cancer Society to see about volunteering. Thanks for waking me up!

71133

Seem like a really opened a can or worms. I've done alot of thinking on this subject and I think when it comes to family I don't have anymore to give while we're fighting this disease. I'm from a large family 12 and it seem all my life I've been going to there functions, not having any children ourselve so this is the time I wanted to call all them in. But they are busy and that's that. GET over it. I'm far from any cancer support groups so you guys are it. Thanks for all the feed back and so sorry that "human beans!!" have to be like this. Fight hard survivors and supporters - They will find a CURE!!

ksep

Don't worry about it, it's a good discussion. I'm sure those that have made it though that will never forget what happened. It becomes dimmer, but you don't forget. When my husband was diagnosed I was on cancercare online. After his surgery I mentioned that I was disappointed at the lack of phone calls (except from family we were lucky there) but from friends. All of these people wanted to be called after surgery so I spent all this time calling and leaving messages and then nothing. Someone on that site told me this is how it goes and I was shocked. Then I thought about the people at work and how they would turn their head away if I said something. One wouldn't even trade a day to work for me during Phil's surgery. And, yes I too can forgive but I won't forget. God bless everyone, we are your friends and support. Kathy

Mar24

I don't understand, nor will I ever why some people who you thought you could count on just disappear when cancer is in the picture. The way I see it, it is their loss not mine. I have also found what wonderful friends and family I do have and blessed by having them in my life everyday. I thank God everyday for having these people in my life and standing beside me through thick and thin. I gave up worrying about people that didn't want to be so called friend or family. I use what energy I do have on people who choose to want to be around me and me them. It is sad for those people who don't know how to handle being around me. I am the same person as I always was I just happen to have cancer now. I am blessed I have friends here and in my life who care and don't falter when things get tough.
Thank you.
Maribeth

cuddles53

I am feeling better about things after reading all of the posts from everyone on here. this is an eye opner to me on the cruelty of one human being to another in a time of crisis. i know that my passion to help others stems from this lack of support I myself received. i feel the pain from the people writing in and want to help them even if it is just a few kind words. So maybe this is what is supposed to happen to us, maybe we are supposed to be learning something here. In any event I am truly happy to have found love and support from many of you.
Thanks God for good people in this world.
God bless all.
Sandy

Lindakaylkw101

No feeling sorry for yourself from me, I kept doing my apartment locating job, PUBLIC, as much as I could,
I sang in my church choir and a PUBLIC jazz choir, as much as I could, which was a Christmas season and we did 20 concerts and I did them all, I gave it all, I have survived stage 3 colon cancer for almost 2 years now. My friends were there and probably did not like my hair getting thin and me losing weight from the chemo, which I needed the weight loss, some just cried because they were scared for me, whenever I needed them and REACHED out they were there, I think we cannot expect peeps to know what we want, give them all a call then grip and do whatever, Stay in touch...

Keep the faith
Linda

Add to the discussion

Don't have an Inspire account? Join now!

Forgot password?

You